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Collab. Mentalz & Chymera
.:Youth of the Nation:. Chymera Mentalz The teenage wage weaned as Mcy D's paychecks set fast pace for sinners feet. Bleeding eyes linger through set fingers applied by the brute cries of loose triggers. Hell's creation runs the barrel of desperation, barreling out of control through our destination. Metal fangs seepin down into gentle stains as our daughters scream are drowned in cellophane Tears near at sore eyes to gasp, sun dried as rats gather near the cracks to snort the lines. We're truly forgotten... Our truth assumed. 'We're fine' lies a rising breed of Youth Entombed. Draught son's & daughters harvest parents foreign ... As the UCMJ pays wage to the torrent's boredom ... Soldier of Fortune, or perhaps pack rat in a nap sack ... As we surge forth into wars led by teenage knack ... Tactics slap at phantom's, displayed readily, heavily Until the once youthful become incredibly deadly ... Truthful, dispute it and reap a lie embellished ... Relished from poverty, to boot camp, to 'honor me' ... Thousands of graves, age's date only eight teen ... As the brainwashed roaming, encounter hate scenes Scraped clean, as the rubble falls & the shrapnel fly's It's why the youth despise's the ever present, unending lies. Contending sigh's, as coalition confronts opposite prophets Stopping to comment, convince the public of opposition rockets False brevity, leveling, mediling steadily the mealody's signet Untill the pigment of acceptance is the crippling sentence... Repentance is surpassed, unlasting and never forever Take the Pope's appology to anthology and compare Unaware is the peoples, steaple stock farmed to bare, Arms untill the fare antique's become aware of countless stares Nothings changed... from the Crusades to Iraqi Freedom Fanatic koreans on edge from borders dividing shoulders From fighting soldiers to the inquiring folders of crying peons It's been eons since created, yet seperated religion stands From Christrian demands of muslims & jew's to radical views as to who's incharge of the holy lands commanding hand So I ask again, The Youth of the Nation's proclimation ... How does mass assassination explain our stanced formation? |
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im like'n the internal rhyme'n you used Mentalz decent drop from both........would've been betta if both went with more limits of lines i was kinda get'n into it lol
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Chym wanted 12 each I coulda gone longer :|
Thanks for the feed man. hittin' you back. Edit: Did go longer, revised edidtion. |
Thanks for the feed, I added onto my part as I felt is was somewhat.. unfinished. So, uppin for more feed. Will rtf.
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HEY LOOK THIS IS WAY BELOW AVEAGE FROM THE RAP STANDPOINT THIS IS SHAMEFUL AND IT SHOWS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND RHYME WITH ATTITUDE HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU COME FIRST PERSON RAP 90% OF THE TIME IS DONE IN FIRST PERSO NOW WHAT IS THIS MAN THIS IS POETRY ONLY NOW LISTEN UP A RAPPER CAN REARRANGE YOUR SHIT AND YOU WON'T KNOW IT AND HERE'S THE FUNNY THING YOU'LL PAY MONEY TO BUY YOUR OWN SHIT AND WON'T KNOW IT LOOK HOW EASY I REAARANGED THAT HOMEY ITS LIKE MY SHIT GONE PLATINUM AND YOU WERE THE CREATER HA! HA! HA! HA! THAT'S LIFE HOMEY
The teenage wage weaned as Mcy D's--HELL I GOT A TEENAGE WAGE AND YET i'M KEEN ONSTAGE TOY WITH mCY d'S paychecks set fast pace for sinners feet.----PAYCHECK AND STAY WRECKED WITH SINNER HEAT BUT AS A WINNER COMPETE AT A FAST PACE BU MY ASS GET CHASED Bleeding eyes linger through set fingers----i'M FEEDING THE SKIES WITH BLEEDING EYES AND YET PROCEEDING WITH LIES ON MY MIND applied by the brute cries of loose triggers. Hell's creation runs the barrel of desperation, barreling out of control through our destination. Metal fangs seepin down into gentle stains as our daughters scream are drowned in cellophane Tears near at sore eyes to gasp, sun dried as rats gather near the cracks to snort the lines. We're truly forgotten... Our truth assumed. 'We're fine' lies a rising breed of Youth Entombed. |
Man are you fucking pathetic.
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Love to be there when you turn 18 and real life bitch slaps you across the face... I'd actually really like to be there. Fuck it. I'll pay.
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Biggie rapped in first person Nas raps in first person telling stories Chamillionare did it, Immortal Technique did it I do it storytelling is HIP HOP dont listen to fagbag
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M.C. Streak DAMN YOU DUMB FUCKER I SAID 90% OF RAP IS IN FIRST PERSON DO YOUR WHACK ASS EVEN KNOW WHAT FIRST PERSON JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEARN SOMETHING
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First: LMAO @ fagbag or whoever he is. What a prick, and a dumbass. Ignore that stupid shit.
Second: LoL @ you making me leave feed on this bigass piece. Chymera, meh @ that to be honest, I mean it wasn't necassarily hard to follow but I just wasnt' feeling it. It flowed nicely, well structred, and you had good/great vocab. It also seems a little short as well. Mentalz: Big vocab, you dick. Make me pull out my thesaurus for some of these, and I generally use nice words too. Flow was on point, and I see some internal rhyming intwined in this piece. Concept development was good, well lengthed piece, but meh @ you ending in a question. Well put though. Props to both of you. |
What do I need to work on then? You only said what I did right, but I'd like to improve, so I need to know what I should work on.
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This was a good piece in my opinion. Chymera verse was cool but was very short compared to Mentalz. And I think u could work on ur verses a little bit more by adding more internal rhyming and multies.But it was nicely structured and the vocab was nice. The flow was also nice. For Mentalz's verse, i thought i was well done the multies were cool and the internals were nice. The topic was very nice also.
My favorite line from Chymera was: "Metal fangs seepin down into gentle stains as our daughters scream are drowned in cellophane" ^^ that was nice, i really liked that My favorite line from Mentalz was: Relished from poverty, to boot camp, to 'honor me' ^^ i thought that just flowed really well and i liked how "poverty" and "honor me" rhymed in that line. Overall nice drop, i give it an 8.5/10. Keep writin ya'll. Peace. Pls. RTF on any of the links in my sig. |
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