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Quiet Thunder
Captured from our surroundings, shots sounding Ear drums pounding, all around people are crowing Rounded us up like vermin, homes start burning Blackened smoke billowing, deaths smell churning Darkness falls suddenly, only light is the moon lit sky Black hair brown eyes, hearing family member's cry Left looking for answers, but only hate protrudes Everything else eludes reason, why'd they intrude I see the mental stain, but it's our religion we retain Forced onto a train, cloud pouring rain, cry I refrain We were taken to a secluded camp up in the mountains That smell! why is crimson flowing from the fountains This eerie feeling overwhelms me, I can't explain why It's like an uncontrollable feeling that were all going to die All around me I see emptiness, everyone's face looks bleak I'm separated from my family, tears cascaded off my cheek I'm finding it hard to speak your memory I will always keep Now I'm seeing dead people being thrown in a mass heap I walk in hast wanting to know what is going on in this camp I find myself by a building that's walls are covered in damp suddenly this quite thunder rumbles, inside I hear mumbles People stumble, chocking, screaming, & then I take a tumble I awake, for a moment I though this whole thing was a dream Thing's wasn't quite what they seem, but then I heard a scream I ran back to the camp, to find all the other prisoners in a line I should have taken it as a sign, but I guess my mind was blind The line headed back to that building, the place I had once been I haven't forgotten the voices or all the bodies I had once seen I stepped into some kind of chamber, the walls covered in scars Makes left by human fingernails all the windows sealed with bars Silence swept the room, quite thunder sounding from the pipes My Lungs full of toxins because we had different religious types |
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this was a nice drop, consistent flow, nice depth and imagery.....overall a good drop....we should collab
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feelin tha flow not bad man 8/10 liked it
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Uping for more feedback please !!
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Thanks for the feed everyone, still uping my verses get mad slept on !
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Nice piece man...Flow was good...Topic liked the topic...Umm...Good Imagery also...Overall man
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This was a pretty decent drop...your flow was on point..topic was okay i thought it would be something like quiet storm but it was still good..pretty good imagery..alittle long but a very good read..overall keep it up nice job.
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yeah i must say i love tis kind of action poetry keep you on the edge so i read this whole damn thing easy but you never told us how you got in that situation but still godd flow
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Thanks for the feed back fams much appreciated,...
I do write real poems but most are about love and u people don't want to read that shit. stay up all 1~ |
Nice drop man, graphic and simple opener. I like reading pieces that take the title and ultimately creat a nice concept out of it rather than the obvious. The only thing I didnt like would be the way it was written. Maybe thats your style, I dont know, but it was half way annoying. However, the piece as a whole flowed well, had great imagery in places, vocab was the norm.
Not really a piece that got me thinking and actually enjoying the write up until the last 2 lines. You drove the nail home with them, nice job man. About what was annoying me, the run-on's. Some areas lacked conjunctions that are vital in my opinion and not to be sacraficed for flow or structure. Keep it up man, & thanks for the feed. Peace. |
Thanks for the feed back fams much appreciated,..
stay up 1~ |
Sup upin for the last time,...
stay up 1~ |
nice job......i have to agree with mentalz on this one. your start off wasn't as strong. try to start off grabbing the reader's attention. maybe something with detailed imagery. it was nice and flowed well but it did fall off maybe a tad in some part. the fact that you closed with those two lines was actually what made this piece rise higher cause without them it would have been just a regular open mic...
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this was deep but not that entertaining. your presentation was kinda weak. imagery and word choice was nice but the rhyme scheme killed it. too simple and predictable to me. you had a great concept just felt like you coulda came with something more exciteting i had to force myself to read the rest of it. not bad but not great either. i got mixed emotions on this one
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