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"Concrete Bottles"
Madusa's snakes, Slither along blank Gaze; to pronounce On darkened seams Of a glass house. Their stare binds The weak mind. As I etch a cross Into the last waltz, Dragging behind Subtle led strides. Kicking the weight Of malice worlds Off brittle shoulders, To hear the shatter Of fragile footing. Lost in Madusa's Most solid trance. I've fallen threw, And gotten drenched. As she pitches Me to shallow ponds To weight her ship. And here I drown. Just to be pulled Aboard on final gasp. As the sun pats The sea on its back, Before taking its hold. Medusa loves to watch. Sh-She's a voyeur, EXCITED BY MY COUGH! Giggles as her toy Ship is juggled now By cackling clowns. Twisted grins fumble A plastic glee; They simply fallow... Gazing; blinklessly They do as she, And her stone Action figure hopes For a sort of ease In the bottles throat. Day by day water Grows scarce. Noah's arc wears God's kiss never more; Initial purpose served. But what of Noah... And his masterfull arc After water lost heart? Madusa's glare Has sifted the sea. Seperated the last Drop of dense ocean, And created a beach. As the water dissolves, Wounds are breached By the callous of salts. Here, I drown. Choking down The sands of lost Time and past. My prison intesified; Pried of Ahabs lines, And set in hourglass. There she watches. Meticulous as ever, With magnifine glass In hand she stares. The fire in her eye Ripples in the sky. The heat triples With every fine glance She passionately lands. ........ The next morning.
My head seams lost Within the pain Of forgotten memory. Stomach trembles In the fears of unknown. The pain more trouble Than one could bare. Choking thin air, I reach for the bottle. "Fuck.... This one's empty." As I stare down Misused anesthesia, I hesitantly find... .....nestled within My lasting addiction, Awaits a victim. Every emotion here. The bottom half just Rests itself in a smile... While the other half Frowns in disgust. And then I see it, The absolute low; Into the center Of the bottom I dive, To find Madusa's Twisted gaze... As I listen closer; ... Tip the bottle As she flows outward. |
Yet again, Pure dopeness. You never fail to impress.
First of all, I feel this could be made an even better read if you shortened it just a little. You allways come up with most amazing titles, If a noob posted a poem called Concrete Bottles, I would think that what he was litterally talking about. But I know you always have a deeper meaning, and again you did that very nicely. the final line finished off the poem pefectly by summing it up. Dopeness overall. Keep Writing |
Ok, like I said to you on AIM. This piece was so so so so so deep and complex. I loved that part of it. Your vocabulary was astonoshing. Your emotion was very deep and goes straight to the mind.
The complexity alone in this piece perplexed for a good 5 minutes until I figured out what it all meant. I had a mental picture going, a bit distorted from the complexity but I still really enjoyed what I was reading. Your structure is that of what I do. So it was REALLY easy for me to read this piece. The flow was so-so but then again, so is mine, so once again, I was very pleased with that. This is a solid piece, and a good read. Everything here except for the flow was about a 10/10. This is a great piece and gets my nomination. |
wow, best i seen from you...and that means its ill man...
short lines indicate rushing and anguish, this was packed with metas and imagery and was deep as fuck...it was also complex...reading deeper into the subject, the whole piece was interesting and fresh. decent as always. |
damn pretty dope, um the down fall was your imagery, it wasn't horrible but it wasn't how great it usually is. I've seen better from you but this is pretty good the storyline is decent. vocabulary and flow was great but what most showed was your stucture and desire of emotion towards the topic, nicely done man. overall ima tell you that this is dope, very worthy of a rv spot.
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My imagery? Really? Most were saying that was on but the emotion was alittle weak... Which I can see. But whatever, thanks alot for all the feedback everyone.
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*jaw drops*.....DAMMMMMMMMMMMN.....good piece fo sho....i luv ur writin newayz so nuttin suprising here.......good emotion, structure was on point(n dats WAY good lol)...excellent vocab...cant c nething wrong w/ dis piece....keep up da good work....1
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This was a cool read. Structure made the entire read flawless. Provided some good metaphors with decent foreshadowing. I thought that the ending was brilliant. I got the impression that you had started from the end and wrote your way to the beginning. You may not have noticed it, but better writers tend to start with the end in mind. Good job.
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Ya actually... In my head when I was writing this I started with the concept and how I wanted to end it because I was looking to put in the message that I did. Damn, lol surprised you could even pick up on something like that. Thanks alot for the feedback.
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