Tattoed Iris
 

My First Ever Poem :thumbup:

Ive left feed on 6 poems today.

So dont close this :)

Lol ya dont worry, Im just gonna assume any one from the responce council has responded to atleats 2 pieces.

This piece was, eh... Lol a first piece. The structure was the first thing that I didnt like. If you want to center you piece like that, then try and even up the lines so that on line isnt small and the other double the size of the last. Another thing, the rhyme scheme, it's probally one of the most unneccissary thing you could have, and to me it seemed like you tried really hard to have all the lines rhyme. But what also happend was is that you held the same rhyme sequence for awhile in the beginning and as result of that you repeated alot of the same words, just rephrased slightly. So in the end there were some nice metaphors and such but wwwwwwaaaaay to much repitition and structural issues for me. Keep at it though.

I agree on Atticus about the rhyme scheme, your concept had potential but you were trapped in those rhymes you know. Because you wanted everything to work out I feel you couldn't really let your creativity soar. The vocabulary can be better as well. But first piece of advice I'd give you: just write! Do not think about structure or rhymes or anything, just write, let your mind do its thing you know. Because I feel you do have potential seeing how you word certain things and looking at some word choices. Just keep away from that structure and strict rhyme scheme, just let the ink flow out of your pen and write :thumbup:

This was ight,

not feelin how you split the bars up man, seemed to stutter the flow... the concept was there but to me you were scraping the surface and not getting deep enough into it so it appeared basic.