Ballad Of Death
 

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2619445

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2619457

Ballad of Death

I cant sleep anymore hearin many peeps thru doors
creepin for gore i pray to the Lord sayin keep 'em ashore
deep in my core i feel it comin slowly runnin lowly
summoned unholy ghosts they gettin close drummin wholly
too many effects like a foley the room freezes with ice
im quick to cease with fright as it seizes the precise slice
darkness consumes souls spark this ignitin my death
my doom is cold ima fight til there aint nothin left
somethin's cuttin my breath attackin it like a disease
the door slams shut on my left im prayin God please
stop these demons in my mind cuz they fiendin all the time
seemin like a crime im on the line...................................
.............................about to fall into infinite space and time
this race is one of a kind seepin into bodies like meth-
ane hopin my breath hangs but soon i must accept
cuz evil's lurkin im seein people jerkin like seizures
layin in a steeple its hurtin cuz reality's no leisure
it'll tease and play wit ur brain the days become gray
for some say im insane born dead i succumb by rays
of darkness and evil they start this chain reaction
i levitate like Blaine eyes white my veins abstraction
of blood my heart slows and the dark foes flow
i suppose its time for me to go with stark knowin glow

You had a nice idea for this, though a few things hindered it from being a great piece. Here's what.

Firstly, Puncuation. An important part of the piece is being able to make your reader read it the way it was ment to be read. Pauses induced by three periods, comma's, dashes, anything... it pulls the reader in more, instead of just being another ramble they read.

Second, Consistancy. For me atleast, the concept seemed to lurch around, as in... i'm understanding the piece but then you toss words in to compensate for flow which in turn ruins your piece more so. It's a bitch, but once you get it right you never struggle with it again.

Im not some sort of genious or anything, so I dont know what this would be called, bluntly put, the words you choose to rhyme with are almost always single syllables. That's not bad, but it is boring for the reader at times. Example: Slice, Ice, Fright, Like.

Now onto your strong points. You attained a certain level of emotion if you delve into it. I actually print out pieces im going to reply on and read them a few times while im doing other things just to make sure I get it all.

Your flow wasnt half bad, though forced at times, for the most part it was good.

You seem to have a consistant rhyme scheme, though simple, it's better than alot of people who dont use one. A more complex one would have really made this piece better even had you not touched anything else. Example: Instead of the 'a-a_a-a' two liners, perhaps you could try an 'a-b-a-b_a-b-a-b' two liner.
Like...
'The sword swept as my pores wept ...
... Like I's born erect as this whore slept'.

Overall, nice drop man, you lost me in a few places but I knew where you were goin'. Keep droppin' and thanks for the feed.

Peace.

Thanks man, finally someone drops some good and deep advice.

Nice Drop Bone........I Agree WIth Mentalz.....

This Had A Bunch Of Nice And Well Placed Multies But You Punctuation Hindered It From Being Read As You May Have Wanted It. Also, Try Not To Place A Small Sentence At The End Of Your Lines......Ex. the door slams shut on my left im prayin God please that bolded part cuts your flow and makes it be that choppy line to make your whole peace seem like it could have flowed better. Your description needs to go more into depth, showing the reader what it is your tryin to portay. Also you tried too hard to make it rhyme at points that you lost me, made me think, what does this have to do with the story......well that's my advice, return the favor homie.......keep it up man, you got a lot of potential

i liked this one. word usage was on point. kept my attention form start to finish no real stand out parts just and overall SOLID piece. the multis were used well. nicely written. mentalz pretty much summed it all up tho. keep it up maybe we can collab sum day

good stuff, nice flow, pretty cool multies....getting better with assonance and what not....uhh, mainly, one criticism is, try to not stray from topic, like this was good, but then you mention stuff like david blaine, you know, that kinda is off topic it seems, i'm sure you can find a more literal comparison, but thats not really a big deal, you're getting better, keep writing, i liked this piece, good idea, good tone,

somethin's cuttin my breath attackin it like a disease
the door slams shut on my left im prayin God please
stop these demons in my mind cuz they fiendin all the time
seemin like a crime im on the line...................................
.............................about to fall into infinite space and time

that was the best part, well done skip

Thanks guys for givin feed. I left feed for Tech skillz.

i agree with what everyone said in replies to your piece only thing i can say is u could of made better if u made it a lil longer and used better descriptive terms and all but overall nice drop fam keep up and keep postin peace...btw rtf on my new om titled new shit..couldnt think of a catchy name so w/e 1

This is one of the best 1 verse reads I've had so far this year... good shit, the flow was uncanny, and your structure is one of the best I've seen thus far at this site... Great use of vocab, and this was lyrically sound... dope piece... vivid imagery... *nods* 2 thumbs up and a smile... keep doing what you do

when you get the chance return the favor and peep "Last Breath" in the audio section... 1

*vanishes*