|
life...
life... it is strange....
Life is something no one knows will happen, there just picked up and brought in to this world clapin. from the day ur born, to the day u die. u see ur life is full of choice and that u have to fight to survive. ur watched over carfully by ur family and friends. and when u fall they say "get back up again".. they dust u off and send u on ur way. to wipe those tears and continue ur day. when u get a little older, u start to like girls. but when they dump you u think its the end of the world. but u try again and u still stand tall, and u do the same even when u fall. a little older now, bout eightteen. u move out the house if u know wut i mean. u now have a job and making ur own cash. now paying ur bills being broke is all in the past. u continue to study so u can move on in life. u have seen the ups and downs like sugar and spice. when ur done with college. u go 2 a career. something a little tougher and a bit harder to stear. but u make it ok and the bills still get paid. its all good and u got it made in the shade. u decide to get married and have a few kids. u teach them the lessons that u went through as a kid. ur know a lot older and ur family is great. some how u see life is all about fate. now ur kids have kids and u in a wheel chair. they call u grandpa but u really dont care. when u become 2 old and no longer want to live. just look back on life and think wut u did. what u became and how great it feels. that ur life was fantastic and full of great deals. god treated u nice and got u every thing u needed. got u a wife and u even breeded. so let life take its course. dont be screwed up and get a divorce. ur too far in the game and u already got it made. so just let life take u away from the shade. S to the Z. |
Drop two links or this will be closed
|
|
this piece was alright....nothing special...the rhyming was ok and the topic for this piece was descent. tryt placing in some more multies and a few more metas since i didn't see any in there....
|
^^^^Agrees
oh n it was LONG as hell!!!...I mean work on da structure a bit pa.....it was ALL bunched togetha n it HAD me confused as wat not......it was a dope piece fo a newbie tho i'll give u da credit...............RTF on my new OM "Dreamin of Reality".....1 |
This was cool, but it didnt really catch me. The story u told was a little bland, u should add some more detail into it. Also u should but in more multies and maybe some internal rhyming in places to make it flow smoother. Thats all i got to say, hit me up in one of my open mics, if u can.
|
this wasn't really long at all, idiot
oh yeah, it wasn't bad, kinda dry, but overall it was cool...your wording could be ALOT improved to capture the reader more, like, use descriptive words of an interesting nature...like, your story is cool, thats the main reason i read it all, lol, to be honest....but yeah, you just neeed to improve on wording and storytellin....some lines were pretty gay, like that breeded line, heh from the day ur born, to the day u die. u see ur life is full of choice and that u have to fight to survive. that wasn't bad, keep up and just to give you a hint, mother fucker, you need to post links you provided feedback on, not links to your other pieces....ASAP, or this is closed |
thankz peeps. and it wasnt that long. kinda short and had nuttin to do.
uppin |
|
not bad but maybe a little too simple for the audience on this site try add a little vocab next time bu tthis stayed on topic and hat'svery good so keep on posting and thanks for your response
|
kk ppl i want more posts for this shit
i believe i deserve a lil more!!! |
I think was a ok piece. It was more of a skeleton for me though, like you had more in you, but you held back due to laziness or something like that. Go into more detail, cuz what you said is ok, but if you could point out things that I never would have thought of, then it would be good.
|
| All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:00 PM. |