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The Messiah Framed In The Clock
The Messiah Framed In The Clock Foreword: Time has past but I have forgotten how to change. Thus it has stood still For me atleast The minutes ticked by over and over again Waiting for the hour to come at last Each in line waiting its turn To die in the abyss of relativity The messiah will come when the clock strikes 12 And the children will be resurrected as well Each minute will wait in line To have judgement pass upon them It was 12:30's turn to the stand "You have sixty seconds to make your case" He didn't say a word In awe of the messiah that pass And the one the coming to pass One by one they feel until the messiah came once again And hourglass around his throat, choked But his voice was clear as glass "Lives are just frivolous minutes ticking away If all you do is lay back in your Easy chair Looking at the clock Anticipating the end" |
the first stanza is dope, but it could be worded better, and used metaphorically...for example, "My inability to change has left my watch broken"........this isn't the best example..but it is an example...dope idea though..i like it...
and i'm done reading, i really like the idea, it's a dope concept..original, well said in some parts, not so well said in others...your originality and expression is on point...but you could make 10 times better just be wording things better, a good example of this is the saying..."less is more" a lot of the things you said seemed repetitive, and sometimes repetitive is important, but not in this case, you could have cut that in half with some different metaphors and such, and it would have been a lot said, in a short poem...in fact..i bet you could even turn this into a haiku...but none the less..your on the right track....and this was pretty good...good work..don't forget to leave two links... 2 fingers.. 1 love |
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the concept i think is wicked as hell man definatly feeling that, anyways your shit was decent could f done better the format was clean, the wording in some areas didnt seem they belonged there you know?,the emotion wasn't much, imagery was a plus it was definatly noticable, anyways ur new to these here parts dope shit man good potential.
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Pm me two links to have this re-opend.
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Please put your links in the initial post to avoid having this problem happen again.
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sounded deep
interesting read 1 |
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