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Iknoevel ft. Valor (Demonic Soul)
The Demonic Soul I was born into this world as an angel my attempts at staying good was just feeble Now im stuck with this sideways angle Of having to chose the side of good or evil In this world of coruption goodness dies out Evil prevails as goodness fades to black I had to do it there was just no way out And now there is no way of going back Yeah its sad but now its only gotten worse I'm wishing i was never given this demonic soul Cause im stuck with this gifted curse ....Left in the darkness to devower me whole A shadow of evil a soul possessed living life through a needle the mind's depressed a spirit locked away afraid to be revealed Satan delivered its fate & the soul was already killed as demons prey upon flesh the human race sprouts ill some people introduced to death becomes demonic.... as the underworld's portal was sealed KT in Black Me in Gray I was trying something new valor wanted me to do an abab rhyme scheme on this piece it only took us like 30 minutes to knock this one out |
werdness.....iknoe dont forget the link son....
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^ I second that
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Word am gettin them now... just got back on couldnt get them after i posted cause i was too tired to read 2 pieces and then drop acurate feedback...
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This was a so-so piece. Both of you are capable of soooo much more than this though, which really made the read kind of... Bleh, for me. Led, to me your portion of the poem felt very rushed, and alot of the wording was awkward;
'I was born into this world as an angel my attempts at staying good was just feeble' See, that had a few words that could have very easily been swapped out and in doing so would have fixed a few problems for you. Because your content wasn't all that bad. Val, not toooooooo bad, you're slowly stepping back up to your pedastool once again. With each piece I see from you some more of the rust falls off and I remember what it was that made you legandary. Again with this piece, it feels like you try sooo hard to stick into the boundaries of a sertain structuring of syllabols and rhyming that your content suffers. I mean, even though I got more meaning out of THESE short lines then the last ones... It's still not enough for you to justify the line breaks as a permanent scruture. I'd suggest experimenting with some other styles if I were you man. Overall, not a baaaaaad piece... But again, it seems like you guys are still just kind of chipping away at the rust. |
I wasn't feeling the emotion too much, the vocb was good and the imagery alike, but i like to read peices that show well thought and plotted writting skills, although this had some good aspects to it, such as the structure and the wording i would have liked to see more creative skills used, to me this wasn't bad, but it wasn't as good as maybe it could have been, but well done.
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