Kingdom of Sand
 

Fucked up structure I know but I posted this on a site that didn't worry about structure..

Just an ogre stuck in the sand dunes telling time by a handmade sundial-
It’s the afternoon…
In the king’s name, knight’s shield the towers,
-While constructing castles with mother earth’s terrain,
A monarch lusting for power, digging moats with his finger tips…
There’s a small ridge…Serfs secure the livestock and pull the draw bridge…
.
.
There’s just a surge of walls shaking, the start of a kingdom’s demolishment
Where the Lion Heart is slowly breaking, unity smolders in the masses…
Astonishment forms as lords swarm around broken stain glasses,
Priests gather up their classes and hide away the holy sacraments,
The Courtyard is consumed by cadavers of brave soldiers and battlers…
As their souls are swept away by the brooms of the sea scattered in graves,
Whispering: …The vassals, the protectors of the castle, battered and doomed-
And the tomb’s voices echo in the minds of the lords tied to the feudal system,
The sound of the scepter was sent in reverberations,
Echoing across the throne room in a cold sensation,
And it mocked them with mighty winds whistling in frustration,
With fiefs flooded, and blood glistened under the dark moonlight…
Orphans are soon frightened to listen to the king’s words-
The boom of the ruler’s triton…
.
-And riots started to form…
.
Once a sanctuary of gods,
But wicked necromancers’ torture and plague the Pantheons…
Smog and broken windows consume it in flames,
Floods of gasoline taint the aura of feelings,
Faces of utopia painted by the era’s artists melt off the ceiling…
Cupid’s poison arrows smite the villagers of the ages,
Stealing and mischief clog the mind state of good in a number of stages…
Castle dwellers have a courtship with tragedy,
--Spitting on lady luck’s corpse!
Yearning for support and a strategy to unite the splitting kingdom,
But the waves keep hitting the fort…
.
-Until the society crumbled…

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=224727
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=224439

I'll get the other one..

I really liked this man. The structure is pretty everywhere though, even for my standards and I don't structure things in a typical manner. The flow is fine, but maybe chop stuff up so that the lines are alteast the same length you know? But the Imagery and just originality of the entire piece was nothing short of amasing. The entire piece had a very poetic vibe through out, which, being a poetry writer I absolutely loooooooooooooved. Emotion was also very strong here, never once did I feel you became fake or began to wade away from the authenticity of your emotion. Overall like I siad, really great piece... I'd just really like to see you clean up that structure so that it's not so daunting to the eye.

Yeah, thanks a lot for the detailed feed, Atty. I'm gonna fix the structure for the CS collab, dont worry.. Uppy!

Woa...This was dope ass hell. Structure was on point. Vocab was nice. The flow was on point and everything was flowing smoothly. Concept was dope aswell. I didnt really see any major use of multies for me to spot light it. But this was pretty dope.9/10

Keep up the good work and RTF in the links in my sig.

And to the rhythm of the tap drip, music is mine..



up^

Up................................

Uppens from the Puppens .