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Rapper Or Insane??
Rapper Or Insane
this kid picked up a pen and started writing said this what he wants instead and just kept on rhyming the things he must of said had ta be really freightning cuz people shook their head while he was always smiling his parents are so upset that they were close to crying always put off all of his friends like he was in hiding locked up in a house 24/7 which is enough ta go mental everything to him was tempting but never successful burying the truth by pretending he just couldnt let go he feels useless to society almost like he had no purpose he never even tried ta see that he wasnt worthless he keeps on trying with rap somehow he lost his spirit he cant even spit worth crap but wont stop caring nobody never gave a damn but he wont stop sharing some truck pulls up one day with men and white coats said that i couldnt think straight and its time ta go my parents said i went insane and that i lost control they said how i had the impression that i was a rapper and that i gained lots of depression right on after they had lots and lots of questions that was unanswered i even reminded them that i was ok aint like i have no brain my mind and wisdom really is straight and that im sane but they wouldnt listen they drove me to the hospital where mental peoples livin just couldnt even be possible there's nuthin wrong wit me im seriously alright im really a rapper......or am i??? |
there's my links:
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=226779 http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=226536 yea this is just a lil piece i did...i felt like storytelling..i based all of this pracitcaly on me but werd up leave feed and i'll RTF |
The flow worked.......and there was some nice bits init.......it was fairly avrage tho
and the story wasent exactly groundbraking was it? my advie to you...........go buy a dictionary and wen ever ya doin nuffin READ It ya vocab needs work....... did like it tho and theres potential there for sure |
right......well maybe it cud be a lil more complex but i felt it as a story more than some sick multie madness rhyme lol
8.2/10 |
Lmfao..
2/10 |
Quote:
lmfao that what u get for all ur work together....u cant just fuckin gimme a 2 cuz u got sumthin against me...dumbass that shit dont count... |
if he thinks you're a 2/10 then he thinks you're a 2/10. get over yourself. someone thinks your wack and that's that now STFU
but anyways now for the feedback rhyme wise this wasn't that great at all...i think i only saw four bars/lines that even rhymed with each other...story wise i thought it was so-so but i think you shouldn't have made the story as far-fetched as it was, you could have explored the character's emotions and thoughts in more depth, in my opinion. you could have thrown in some decent multies to give the piece more of a rhythm and it would have made it's flow more interesting. also you need to up your vocabulary... other than that, this was an ok piece, nothing special in my opinion by any means, but an ok piece nonetheless ~peace~ |
ok, this piece is more than 2/10 but not by much. the flow is real choppy. no multis. basic rhyming and in a few bars, you didn't rhyme at all. <---some pieces call for that, not yours. as for the story, the creativity behind it was terrible. expand a little? thanks. you're insane for rapping. no pun.
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This shit first off was real real choppy and real etchy man!..work on yor wording and approach shit man. your vocab and emotion is MEH and ok. nothing really spectacular but still this was a real nice drop!.
RTF on the om's in my sig!. |
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