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Garden Of Eden.
Garden Of Eden This night in the darkness, 2 girls found the key of life, cause of a poem and a kiss, Both of them entered paradise. Let me take the mic for a minute and tell you this story, fuck the metaphors and similies this coming from the heart, I was 15, when this passion of love bloomed in me, start(ed) Alone in my room with my best-friend karen-playing cards, Mom gone working-2 of my brothers, jake and raul in charge. Moon shining so beautifully outside cooling the heat rays, while 5 kids in a hot stove-sorry, the electricty hasn't been paid. Uh, staring blindly at Karen, I ain't 'ray', I see the boredom- on her face, so I said "Hey Karen lets roleplay one of my poem" "Sure", she said it with a smile showing her perfect crusted teeth, that's when I got on my knee's and pull my poems from underneath. The poem was called "war", we playfully battled, with giggles- instead of war sounds of desire of killing each other until we read "after a long battle, they made peace with a kiss on the lips and on the cheek" She grasp my arms and moved close to me, "what the fuck?" "we have to do what the poem says- not the time to give up" I felt the adrenaline scorching in my viens "Ok"-sweating hard, butterflies flying happily in my stomach, nipples pointing afar, I inhale my breath, my lungs tighten-until I felt her lips on mine, so passionatley, lovingly, both of our chest touching each other, fetl like both of us we're angels flying and holding one of another. "Do you like me?" I asked when I pulled away looking in her eyes, in my surprise she responds "Uh..Lets go to bed"-Why she hides? In the night beneath the sheets' I''ve found my answer, How I Know? We was destined to be together, cause finally after 5 weeks, I felt the blow of the A/C on that night, mom came in and asked "Damn who paid the bills in this house!?"...."I don't know" Please leave feedback and Links.....Thank you. |
You had a down to earth concept, and I can always vibe to that shit. Your content was dope and very straitfoward and the opening was a perfect set up for your verse. Your mechanics could use some improvement though, you should try incorporating more multies n shit, and your flow could be polished a bit more. Also, try and keep monosyllabic rhymes to a minimum, adding more syllables to rhyme sounds can make a verse 10x doper, it just takes a concious effort to improve them. Return the favor?
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=227503 |
Drop two links or this will be closed
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I'm tired and will do tomorrow...give me a day Malice ~*Muwah*~
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Sup ma, this was well nice, was really feeling the emotions on this verse !!
it was dope,... all the basics on point as always,... The story was well nice, the first kiss and everything, it was a real feel good poem that just makes u believe in love again. Stay up ma 1~ |
Thanks...................
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this was a nice drop.vocab had sting and emotion had tears come with it. nice feel and creativity. it made me think and kept me interest through the whole piece.Ma stay up and drop some more ill shit!
any way's RTF on the links in my sig.... She grasp my arms and moved close to me, "what the fuck?" "we have to do what the poem says- not the time to give up" I felt the adrenaline scorching in my viens "Ok"-sweating hard, butterflies flying happily in my stomach, nipples pointing afar, I inhale my breath, my lungs tighten-until I felt her lips on mine, so passionatley, lovingly, both of our chest touching each other, fetl like both of us we're angels flying and holding one of another. "Do you like me?" I asked when I pulled away looking in her eyes, in my surprise she responds "Uh..Lets go to bed"-Why she hides? In the night beneath the sheets' I''ve found my answer, How I Know? We was destined to be together, cause finally after 5 weeks, I felt the blow of the A/C on that night, mom came in and asked "Damn who paid the bills in this house!?"...."I don't know" ^^ i liked the ending! |
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