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-Gone-
Gone Emotions evolve to a desecrated plateau That eats away my insides to fill my mind with no’s. As I await the answer…I feel a burn Sensation. Eye’s tearing down my gentle face to a rippled declaration. Fear!?...What fear do I preside? When the only difficulty I declare is the means to decide Whether to go or stay….Whether to live or die But eighter way when the day comes I know I will abide . . . So what do I promote to obtain or detain Obtain the goodness that dwells or the bad brings pain. I have to choose, but the risk I take is high I go ini mini miny mo, to pick a choice that lies It tells me to stay... so I do but it’s fake There isn’t Happiness here only thing that dwells is mistakes That leads you to the choice that leaves you shallow In which you feel so ashamed you hide behind no ego but a shadow . . . So in my path I rewind to intell more good So I won’t continue on left with sayings like “I wish I could” I see her standing alone with a shadow that grows That shadow that over looks is me she just doesn’t know. Angels to the east, Angels to the west Combine to be as one and watch my love as she lay’s to rest. For the dawning of a new day will adjure That I lay my life on the line, that I laid my life for her. I watch her everyday and every night. I tweak a lil grin and smile as she hugs the pillow tight The pillow that she hugs, used to be me I never thought in a millions years that this is how it would be. A single mother a widower, left behind But I know I made the right decision in the hand of time. . . . For if I dint then she wouldn’t be alive. It would have only been my and the baby struggling to survive So what I decided in the past was for the better I caused her a better life and cleared the bad weather So the tears that fall are the tears of joy To let me know that I was right and for her to enjoy I declare this decision as “one for another” I used my one life that I was granted to better the life of another The other in which being the eye’s of my lover. So I present this one wish…To tell my lover that I love her. http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=227756 http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=227675 |
aite this was an ooooo kkkk piece but the structure wasn't that great and it made the piece somewhat difficult to follow, to be honest. adding multies would have also made the flow a whole lot better. you should count the syllables and adjust the length of your lines accordingly.
on the up side though i thought the thoughts you were conveying were pretty decent though but it's just a matter of the way in which you deliver them as a verse. try out different ways of writing and experiment and see which style suits you because once you find a writing style that suits you, your pieces and the way in which you deliver your thoughts and emotions will improve stay up fam ~peace~ |
this was way fukin better than "ooooo kkkkkkk". this was ill. flow switched up some throughout. basic rhyming - fine for this piece. vocab was good. content was hot.
It tells me to stay... so I do but it’s fake There isn’t Happiness here only thing that dwells is mistakes That leads you to the choice that leaves you shallow In which you feel so ashamed you hide behind no ego but a shadow ^^^^^^^^liked this a lot.....real nice. Fear!?...What fear do I preside? When the only difficulty I declare is the means to decide Whether to go or stay….Whether to live or die But eighter way when the day comes I know I will abide ^^^^^^this made me read to the end. very nice fam...... overall - 8.5/10 keep that shit comin...... |
I thaught it was str8 dawg. ur structure did kinda fall off just a lil by the 2nd verse. ur vocab was good but I felt u tried too hard. please state if this is a poem or a rap verse. cuz its got the feelings in word but I cant get the emotion from the flow. try to add more of that into the flow. but it was still a nice piece with good vocab and a clear meaning to wat its about. I give u a 6.9/ 10.
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stupif if it was a [oem why wpuold i put it in the OM thread instead of the poetic thread?!... FUCKIN HERB!. anyway's thanks for the feed ya'll. |
Word this was a very good drop i was really feeling it sho down ... you have nice emotions and very gfood feeling going into your drop..the topic was alittle played but you took a creative point of view in your drop..only think i felt that could have been better was your vocab and wordplay but overall keep it up.
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word thanks FAM....peace out!. The Competition stand up! |
werd.
lets go man upping!. shit what has RV come to now and days! |
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