He Chose Me
 

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=226712
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=227698

I didn't choose to be a writer,
writing chose me...
now I can't stop the words from flowing,
my fingers from moving ... my brain from thinking,
I just give more ...
I give more of myself to people who don't appreciate me
because i have nothing material to show of my writing but lined paper,
sheets and sheets... stacks and stacks...
folders ...binders and scraps ...
I gave a boy ..words fit for a man ..
kissed his hand and told him...
I want to write you beautiful poetry so you'll never forget how special u r 2 me,
he didn't understand my words bypass my heart and pour from my soul..
in no way submissive ... i just wanted him to know...
and he treated my words badly...made them feel invalueable...
until they retreated to the place where undesireable things go...
and I continue to write....

I didn't choose to be a writer,
writing chose me .....
at birth i was his writing wedded wife .... til death do us part...
now he's changing me...
as my pen hit puberty...he started to touch me...there ..and ..there
making me feel new things ... say new words,
then my melodic moans seduce writing
as he once seduced me...
so i give him more of me ..orgasmic combination
til every line on the page is filled... and i leave him in a peaceful slumber
I didn't choose to be a writer,
writing chose me...
now I can't stop the words from flowing,
my fingers from moving ... my brain from thinking,
I just give more ...
I give more of myself to people who don't appreciate me yet

I actually liked this, it had an eloquent feel to it. The concept was creative and it was contectually fluent. My only concerns with the piece is the structure and the emotion. With the emotion it was very inconsistant. At times it would be intense which was great, because I think that's what you should have been striving for giving the topic you chose, but then other times it just completely fell off and I was left with metaphors that couldn't completely support the piece by themselves. With the structure, I'm sure you can see what my concern with that is... It almost looks like either you were trying to be creative with the structure, or you just wrote it straight off the top of your head. Either way, even with a freeverse, there needs to be some sort of balance to the writing. Here you had some lines that were very short while some wrapped the page. Soooo, ya, just try and find a balance and a level of consistancy that you like. Overall, decent piece man, needs some work though. Keep at it.

I appreciate the feedback ... but i dont understand how u can critique some one on the emotions they feel no matter how inconsistent ... im bipolar my whole life is based on inconsistent emotions ... why would my poetry reflect otherwise... the structure i can understand ... but i mean my style is my style... thank you ... for the time u took to read my poetry

Well, Bipolor or not, there are few readers who will enjoy to tackle a piece that lacks a certain level of consistancy. So I mean, that's not really a valid excuse, you were clearly feeling one way when your wrote this because I can tell by the tone how the emotion is supposed to be... But it just isnt.

its no excuse...its what it is... agree to disagree

Lol whatever man... I'm not here to argue with you.

why do internet people think its an arguement when u state an opinion contrary to their own.... i even thanked u for ur comments and u continue to post..

because stating a point that is against the other point, is technically arguing..


but anyways.




I liked it.
some deep lines.

"I gave a boy ..words fit for a man ..
kissed his hand and told him...
I want to write you beautiful poetry so you'll never forget how special u r 2 me,
he didn't understand my words bypass my heart and pour from my soul.."

The hateful appreciation you sort of portray in what you write really intrigues me in some parts of your pieces. Good use of repatition to start of new stanzas, and all around nice work.