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around my way
the blood sweet of bloody fights at nights got me sleeping with a light
cant think if its a dream or something i gotta keep outta sight the sounds of gun shots i'll make any body shake the bats and hammers create a scream after each bone brake the phone rings my mind froze..... my hand move but breath waits a voice speaks they mind worryed, i couldnt even finish eating my strawberry all i hear is......am in the hall hurry, i knew it was beef he thought... cuz they left hes brains on hes curry so many people i knew died, the cops arrive questioning my wear abouts.... i need a new life moms hoeing around paps never home...hes always working brother in jail sister gang-banging cuz she full of rage for certin its time to start a new chapter.... thats why everyday i spit my life story.... an people think am the new actor... WTF this is my life... . . . .this is what happens around my way.... gun shots, weed smoke an killing is what happens around my way!!! . . . mama!!! come home!!, but the bitch never answer papa!! come home!!, but the mother fucker rather stay outside smoking cancer Brother come home soon!!, but he keeps trying to escape the rape by killing sister come home soon!!, but she rather tear ya face off an hang it off the ceiling fucking this world is how am useally feeling, sticking my middle finger up at everyone spit raps?,...i spit flem in mouths then spit wild with heavy guns u need 2 people just to position... an 2 more to hold u back when it kicks-fam 2 more to load the cannon..... an 2 more to pick up where hes wig-lands its like soon my soul i'll get lifted like spaceship, if i fainted, they'll mistaken me for a dead crip rockin all that gray-shit heavy chain an "rocky rings" like am with him on the stage-tip never see me walk'in... i be with crazy whip's like am back on that slave-shit you can look in my eyes an see pain from with-in and if u deases, the sickness is cuff'in u can only view from with-in dag take a min to understand at my situation, where do i begin my life dieing.. like a breathing game if i see another day to me thats a WIN(d) . . . . . i was raised by criminals, and drug dealers on the corner being interviewd if u state names bullets i'll have u marked for death befor it hit the news am back with the crew, chain hang'ing aint none payed for like danm look at you chains like pinyatta's.... once u hit them an they drop i'll pick a few its about how quick is you, an dont let the bullshit start to stick to you cuz your alfit aint no bo-tie..... so dont let no other put a end to you...... |
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first thing I noticed was rhyme scheme. its simple, its not apparent and it doesnt do your talent justification.
I feel your above this level of writing, but just need to put more time effort and general care into what your writing. Think of more original topicvs, then bring a mind blowing original approach to it.This peice was bits of selfglorification with a mix of fake gangster talk. text topical should be deep meaning full peices with nice twist's meta's, rhymes and imagery. Try using multis, your rhymes are end rhyme and very simple, with a exception of a couple of spots. Start a line with a descriptive word, adds imagery and emotion into your peice and will generally make it more enjoyable for the reader: let me tamper with part of your drop and show you what i mean; Ariculatly blindley never see me walking... i be with crazy whip's like am back on that slave-shit maticulously look in my eyes an see pain from with-in and if u deases, the sickness is cuff'in u can only view from with-in prodominently dag take a min to understand at my situation, where do i begin still born fetus reflects my life.. like a breathing game if i see another day to me thats a WIN(d) See how a simple descriptive word, or a switch up in the imagery can add alot more interest to a peice. Stay dropping and elevating bro. |
ayo, da parts i culd unda stand was real nice, jus keep at it son, its nice tho
return da favor on my 1st open mic |
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