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Life
He sits alone fearing nothing can come from this
Vicoden wearing off life; Drowning him into a suicidal state He waits; Honestly hes tired Sick of the badgering the tormenting STOP! train of the mind is a blank slate, hes discouraged Pop a few pills his worries gone Sitting in a deserted room walls blank, like the thoughts;mind not stable Sitting behind the door of misery he blinks Eyes rose red from lack of sleep Think back and weep again he yells Anger from vicoden, anger is PURE! Squirming in anguish gittering against the wood Uttering his sentences yet the meaning is pure It's heard outloud with great meaning His screams of terror are loud Absurd at most; Mental errors father 15 deep in alcohol Tramatized; he's on meds He sleeps bedless,dreamless he's almost gone No. He wont have it Suffer no longer will he The suicidal thoughts are over He has taken action He has taken death His parents oblivious to his previous thoughts Still oblivious to his death Its dramatic..Its unfortunate..Its LIFE Links to come. |
tisk tisk.. i told you to work on it more before
you posted it masterpeices take time my friend. its good thought, but it could be better my favorite line is - "train of the mind is a blank slate, hes discouraged" now thats good stuff :) |
haha ya lol
thanks man, just had to post it...got mad bored haha |
OK, basically, it was good.
The premise of it was pretty played, but as a whole, the thing was well written. Especially the last line. It had all it needed, but it was lacking heart. Sure, it's a fairly convincing rendition of a suicidal persona, but it came across to me as put on. If you are gonna use a persona, you should try to make it as real as possible. You thought about what it would be like to be this dude, but you didn't actually get into the guys shoes and portray his feelings properly. I could be wrong, and I probably am... Its not like im a good poet. Thats just the kind of vibe I got from it. -_- |
As I said before on aim, I feel like you have alot of issues with your wording and I don't really get a vibe that your truly confident in your own words. To me it feels like you have alot of techniques vaguely worked in, but you've got to learn by reading and writing more how to more directly incorperate those techniques so that they are properly placed and are able to allow the line to live up to a standard. Stuff like all capping of a solitary word and throwing down an exclamation, that doesnt nessisarily envoke emotion as you may think it does. That does bring about emotion, but it feels artificial, when if you work in key objective terms and work your lines correctly the use of an exlamation isn't even required to make someone sense the angered/frusterated tone. This was ok, you've got some improvements to make definately, but keep at it.
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Ok, for me this piece started a little effortlessly and finished strong. I think that the last parts to the piece were by far the more impressive. The first few lines seem like you are trying to hard to put across the suicidal state. And I feel that a more complex approach would work better.
He waits; Honestly hes tired Sick of the badgering the tormenting STOP! That right there, I felt that was a little off. And the wording for that particular part could be put down better for a far more powerful affect. In places it just seems too basic, and then you jump to a more complex view on things. His parents oblivious to his previous thoughts Still oblivious to his death Its dramatic..Its unfortunate..Its LIFE ^ This though, I felt that this was nice. It was simply put and got the message across with a strong finish. Like I said, your piece starts off a little jumpy, with its ups and downs but you finish strong. Personally, I think that you should either approach an idea simply or with an element of complexity... I don't think poetry should ever mix the two, unless it is needed to add affect to the piece. With this piece, it does add affect.. but you have not used the mixture of complexity and simplicity as well as you could do. |
Squirming in anguish gittering against the wood
Uttering his sentences yet the meaning is pure It's heard outloud with great meaning His screams of terror are loud Absurd at most; Mental errors father 15 deep in alcohol Tramatized; he's on meds He sleeps bedless,dreamless he's almost gone No. He wont have it Suffer no longer will he The suicidal thoughts are over He has taken action He has taken death His parents oblivious to his previous thoughts Still oblivious to his death Its dramatic..Its unfortunate..Its LIFE ^^ this is were i got stuck to your writing cus this got me hooked...it was nicely done but i see some flaws but woot to this man i say one of your best cus of your choice of writing style and choice of vocab!. |
alright thanks i appreciate it..........really do lol
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