Visual thinkin intro(quick key)
 

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=232239 ---feedback link

~~~first try at rap~~~

I saw the stars saw orion in it
Took his belt n beat him wit it
Magical touch fix Achilles heel
Life a movie wonderin what real
Battle like im readin Pressfield
Rhymes gates of fire with steel
Sun god bringing heat Mandulis
Grim life if ya are what Anubis
Story worthy of Homer explore it
Hit out tha park get applause for it
Fuck the Titans takin steroid juice
Im lightning they stomach Zeus
Thunder lightning hooks and jabs
Hit in belly he aint have any abs
My knowledge ya cant stomach
Cant appendix pages hunddid
Purple haze ya stocks plummet
Try peakin n ill make ya summit
Illness in rhymes makes fans cease
Solid heat fire it makes pancreas
Rap need renovation right situation
High as expectations while ya waitin
Music not a silent hill for elevation
Lyricist philosophy gimme education

first thing. You need a extra link, and remove that link from your sig or you will be banned for outlinking.

This marginaly ok. You have some ok concepts in it, but you didnt execute them the best.
Each line is kinda singular, like they dont really relate to each other through out.

Your bars are reaaly short, you have room to extend them if you feel the need.
Vocab is ok, but you can peice words together a bit better, seems like you have just used the word for the fuck of using it.

Thunder lightning hooks and jabs


you can elebarate a bit more:
sensational Thunder lightning htting solid like hooks and jabs

makes the line a bit more interesting.

Stay dropping and remember to remove the link from your sig and add a extra feedback link to your original post
stay active
peace