Whats wrong with my wording
 

People keep telling me my wording sucks and its weird, but give me no idea why its bad.

John Hensley always says to try and keep your wording natural, as if you would say it aloud, so taking that approach I'll break down your verse.

Punches? You out, imma bust this dudes clout
Hes why refleccz stay around
.................................................. ..... yah dime put bags in Qs mouth

Firstly I don't even get the concept but anyway. The setup is poor. Who would say that? And the punches part has no relevance to the rest of the line. Reword to something like:
Dude's a faggot, when gays come about he shouts
Refleccz only stays around cos dime puts bags in Q's mouth

Musta had a time lapse, in the 80's you wouldn't rhyme wack
The mags off, I squirt in a bitch eye, and I beat a dime bag

I don't get this concept again. The setup is terrible again though, no relevance to anything.
I peeped what Kemp said, claimin I'd rhyme whack
But the mags off, I squirt in a bitch eye...'n beat a dime bag

Dime a silly fagget, next mag see what you really rated
After this ko, you can join my first week, and be crime affiliated

Once again I don't get the concept. The setup was better though.
Dime your a silly fag, in the next mag see how you're really rated
So after this KO, join my first week...'n be crime affiliated

You a funny gay, we all know that sonnys lame
Its party cloudy, and today just aint a sonnys day

Cool concept, wording was bad though.
Sonny rains whack, 'n his concepts are mad played
It's partly cloudy...which explains why today ain't Sonny's day.

*jotes down notes*

co-sign

thanks alot kemp :)

I dont think your mag sucks! lol

no doubt. i'm cool with helping out people, so if you need any advice just PM me or whatever.

Yeah, all that shit Kemp said was on the money. Although, before you fix your wording you may want to work on some better concepts.

Wordings :

-Make sure whatever you are saying is as clear as possible, while still getting the punchline across. This basically means to type it out like you would say it in real life.

for example;

You a funny gay, we all know that sonnys lame
Its party cloudy, and today just aint a sonnys day

You would never actually say "it just aint a "sunnys" day" in real life. reword this. .

Your raps wack as fuck.. Homie ya style's hardly rowdy
& I knew it wasn't a sonny day before I realized it was partly cloudy

^something like that works much better. the concept isn't that good to begin with, but it's not terrible. Just make the most out of whatever concept you have by playing off of the punchline. This is easier said than done, but in the example I just showed you, I made better use of the same concept simply by starting the second line with what flows off the tongue naturally... "I knew it wasnt a sonny day" and then ending with the punch.

Feebs wording owned Kemps...

... I would throw in my own wording of that particular punch but I am lazy and the way Feebs did it basically shows you what you should be trying to make your punches look like.

Actually, I have another example of rewording a punch so it sounds better...

... the one I did for TEF in his battle against Hensley.



I personally would've worded it something like...

Last time he dominated the LBL, now he's gettin blasted up
But change is a part of this bum's life..
.. when he's down in the subway with his plastic cup.

i don't think it's necessarily the way those punches are worded, i think it's more the punches in general, you have to really try to get a punch that is just clear and easy to get across. some of those are too vague regardless of how they're worded.

Feeble pretty much nailed the wording for that last one, sometimes it just takes a simple flip of the concepts inside the line to make it more natural.

but anyways,

Dime a silly fagget, next mag see what you really rated
After this ko, you can join my first week, and be crime affiliated

Musta had a time lapse, in the 80's you wouldn't rhyme wack
The mags off, I squirt in a bitch eye, and I beat a dime bag


these lines here, number 1 i really don't know what you're trying to say here. i'm not sure if there is something to do with a battler named crime or criminal or something like that, but it's unclear and there's no reference so it's kind of a risk.

2nd one just sounds random man, you squirt a bitch in the eye.. ok got that, then you beat a dime bag? it's just not clear pretty much.

before you work on wording, work on getting concepts down that you know people will understand, THEN work on making them sound natural.

:rolleyes:

Boooring...

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its because your an idiot
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*Goes back to sleep*