LBL Elevation Thread
 

This thread is for elevation purposes

If you would like some critique of your work, post it in here and the elevation experts (me, Nick Fletcher, Appocolyptik and N. Tavarez) will try to help you. N. Tavarez is around from Monday to Friday and the rest of us should be around all week.

You may post in here stuff you post in the cypher, in battles on other sites, or your battles from this league. However, please do not post your verse for this league until it has already been posted, I don't want to write a verse for you which you will actually be using.

Really post anything in here that you want if you need elevation.

Hope this helps!

DTH Already Helped Me But Here...

Remis a pussy, To handle ur beef, u run for the bat, kid
i tryed diggin up ur ways of fighting,
. . . n` ended up with the name in ya wack sig
Plus ya fat bitch,
most men love ur looks, so ya mackin` skills surpass me
cuz even all the girls yell Oh remis!! - so fuckin` nasty
N` im dope with the swag, and my rhymin is bar none
But how u spose to be fly - when you cant even scar one
I'm makin` hit tracks on thursdays, while ur drinkin by the bar
but its cuz ur cd`s already good - for playin` frisby out the car
You get excited over christmas, u got spirit 'round ya place
but if i EVER see your presence - im`a bash u in ya face

Me VS Mayhem a couple weeks ago

Trus, Fletch, Tav, Appoc.

Feel free to Show better ways to word whatever


Wonder why he can’t get pussy? The game he speaks is wasteful
Women will never get to May as if they all became extinct in April
Pass me a pillow before his verse cause when this creep do it?
His text is a K-Fed Concert, we’ll probably sleep though it...
..,And even HE knew it, thinking I’m fake and can’t Spit Ether?
Mayhem’ll get “Beat to death” Like he lost a foot race to the Grim Reaper
I’ll cut his Opinions off, the ones he got is hopeless
But I will give him the floor, That’ll be easy when I knock him on it
Him in this league is laughable I’ve never killed more gayer
He should be `Russian Da signout like a Soviet Billboard maker

Wonder why he can’t get pussy? The game he speaks is wasteful
Women will never get to May as if they all became extinct in April
THE SET UP IS COOL, THE CONCEPT IS VISIBLE AND MAKES SENSE
BUT THE WORDING IN THE 2ND LINE TAKES AWAY FROM IT
"Women will never get to May as if they all " <--THAT SECTION YOU JUST GOTTA FIND A WAY TO WROD IT SO THAT IT FLOOOWS INTO THE PUNCHLINE BETTER

Pass me a pillow before his verse cause when this creep do it?
His text is a K-Fed Concert, we’ll probably sleep though it...
THIS RIGHT HERE IS A KFED CONCEPT THAT UNLESS YOU GOT A NICE FLIP OR KILLER PUNCHLINE IS BETTER LEFT UNUSED
..,And even HE knew it, thinking I’m fake and can’t Spit Ether?
Mayhem’ll get “Beat to death” Like he lost a foot race to the Grim Reaper
LOSE THE "'S"----IF THEY CANT GET IT STRAIGHT UP DONT USE IT
ALSO THE SET UP IS IRRELEVANT TO THE BAR HERE
I’ll cut his Opinions off, the ones he got is hopeless
But I will give him the floor, That’ll be easy when I knock him on it
HOPELESS AND ON IT ONLY RHYMES DEPENDING ON WHAT ACCENT YOU HAVE, AND BECAUSE OF THAT, THIS BAR DOESNT DELIVER LIKE IT WOULD, PLUS THE SECOND HALF OF LINE 2 NEEDS REWORDING TO MAKE THIS PUNCH EFFECTIVE TO THE MAXXXXX
Him in this league is laughable I’ve never killed more gayer
He should be `Russian Da signout like a Soviet Billboard maker
I ACTUALLY LIKE THE CONCEPT OF THIS ONE QUITE FINE
THE DELIVERY IS OK BUT THE SPELLING MAYBE? IS OFF
OR MAYBE THATS HOW YOU INTENDED IT

OVERAL YOU GOTTA JUST WORK ON WORDING YOUR SECOND LINE SO THAT IT HITS MORE FLUENTLY, LIKE JOHN HENSLEY SAYS....WORD IT LIKE YOUR SAYING IT TO YOURSELF OUT LOUD
HOPE THIS HELPS
THAT VERSE WASNT BAD ACTUALLY AND THE CLOSER I LIKED IT

Wonder why he can’t get pussy? The game he speaks is wasteful
Women will never get to May as if they all became extinct in April
The concept here against Mayhem is cool... yea it wasn't worded well tho. Basically, u took the easy way out and thought of the most obvious concept... so, what you should have done is brainstorm a listing of things that have to do with may, april, the months before... until u get something good.. I can't think of anything dope on the concept, but maybe a punchline like "Anyone women claimin' to get to May is just an April Fools Joke".. I dunno, just think of more ideas, thats all
Pass me a pillow before his verse cause when this creep do it?
His text is a K-Fed Concert, we’ll probably sleep though it...
comparison punches like this.. if ur gonna do them, they gotta be funnier. This comparison really wasn't that funny so just be more imaginative when brainstorming things u sleep through
..,And even HE knew it, thinking I’m fake and can’t Spit Ether?
Mayhem’ll get “Beat to death” Like he lost a foot race to the Grim Reaper
okay, kinda funny, but this was like REAL corny... don't use quotes, they look newbish like this. The main problem with this bar though is that its not even really a punch. Your just making a statement that he'll get beat to death, but no real punchline in it... i'm just not personally a fan of violence/thread type punches, I feel they are kinda indirect so avoid them
I’ll cut his Opinions off, the ones he got is hopeless
But I will give him the floor, That’ll be easy when I knock him on it
the setup really killed this punch cuz you really didn't lead well into the "i'll givve him the floor" thing......setup should been more like "i'll give u a chance to spit ur wack shit... i'll give u the floor...." that kinda thing u know? Even so though, this shit is kinda too simple
Him in this league is laughable I’ve never killed more gayer
He should be `Russian Da signout like a Soviet Billboard maker
Russian shit is played..... really no way to word or make this better, its played regardless. My best advice for this type of thing would be to read more verses. Read as many verses as you can, especially from good writers, and just see what's been done before so you have a better idea what not to use

Overall, verse was just a bit too simple, get ur creative juices flowing. Also, try to dig up personals cuz personals/nameplays that haven't been used are always better than generics. Sorry I couldn't reword much of ur shit, not in that type of mood, but hope that helps.

Wonder why he can’t get pussy? The game he speaks is wasteful
Women will never get to May as if they all became extinct in April
REWORDED
This guy gets no pussy. Why? Well, the game he speaks is wasteful
But the real reason May never gets women is coz his fucking looks killed them all in April.

The difference in the wording makes it a stronger punch. And I see you like to keep a tight structure, but don't worry if a word or two drop onto a third line, so long as it flows well. But you see, with your wording the punchline simply says women never get to Mayhem, and to back that you say its like they all became extinct in April. That in itself is a nice concept, but the way I worded it, it has it coming across that he gets no women because his ugly ass looks killed them all in April. Same concept, but with different wording you can put more of a punch to it.

Pass me a pillow before his verse cause when this creep do it?
His text is a K-Fed Concert, we’ll probably sleep though it...
REWORDED
I got my pillow ready 'coz when M's verse is due
He drops bars like a K-Fed Concert even Britney'll be sleepin through

Now, the way you worded it had a choppy flow to it. First off in the setup you end with a question mark and you are not even asking a question. And in the punchline the comma and how you end it makes it come off choppy. It should look how you would actually say it, it should just flow off the tongue easily.

..,And even HE knew it, thinking I’m fake and can’t Spit Ether?
Mayhem’ll get “Beat to death” Like he lost a foot race to the Grim Reaper
REWORDED
Mayhem sucks at text and me I'm packed with sickness
But he'll still beat me to death 'coz my fists'll send him there in double the quickness

Again, your first mistake was ending the setup with a question mark, and then you used speechmarks to force the Beat To Death concept of the punch. And the last mistake was the word "LIKE"... those types of punches are played and only work if you can really make them raw as hell. Also, beat to death like he lost a foot race is kind of too simple. I reworded it to give the punch better flow and flipped the concept entirely. Saying he'll beat me to death and that my fists will send him there... thats a type of punch where it seems like you're giving the dude props and then you flip it on him. I find that they work well in battles, so long as you don't over use them.

I’ll cut his Opinions off, the ones he got is hopeless
But I will give him the floor, That’ll be easy when I knock him on it
REWORDED
Your opinions are pointless, you'll agree with me if ure honest
Even still, you can take the floor when I lay your ass out on it

This concept is pretty played, and it only really works if you make it simple and to the point. Your gonna lay him out, don't sugarcoat it or anything. The way you worded it though, I've found a recurring theme of using commas in places when it is not necessary. Just scrap the commas, tweak a couple of words and your punches will come off sounding a lot better.

Him in this league is laughable I’ve never killed more gayer
He should be `Russian Da signout like a Soviet Billboard maker
REWORDED
Seeing him in this league is funny coz I've never killed more gayer
But my punches'll be havin' him russian da signout faster than a soviet billboard maker

This was a decent punch, you dropped a little apostrophe at the front of the Russian Da signout which may come across as a forcing tactic. Try to refrain from any speechmarks and apostrophes and any symbols unless they are absolutely necessary. Also, with your setup, the way you worded it was choppy and if you kept it that way, you would need a comma after the word laughable. Try adding a word in between just to link the line together for a nice flow. Also, refrain from the "LIKE" punches like I said. Just trying thinking of a different word like I replaced "like" with "faster than".


Overall, your verse has dope concepts but your wording is always choppy. You need to stop using commas and try throwing in a word to link the line up for the nice flow. Also, those played concepts I pointed out, try to refrain from using them. If you look over some battles you may get an idea of whats been done and what hasn't. Try not to use any "LIKE" punches because they really are gay unless worded to perfection. Also, with punches like when you are saying you are gonna knock someone out, ie-the floor line... you need to be fast and to the point. Be as brutal with your wording as you can be, it gives it a better affect. Also, after you've got a punch done, look it over and see if there are any additions or tweaks you can make to have it come across as more of a punch/personal... kinda like I did with the first bar.

Anyway, there are multiple ways how you can word punches.. and I don't presume to think that my ways are the best. I've just shown you a basic idea of what you are doing wrong and how you can improve.

Hope it helps.

This is Shiest.

This nigga gotta be clueless...
I can C-Rap Disciple lickin' ass...makin' home improvements
He doesn't know, I'm not just an opponent
I bring war, chaos, corruption to leave him boneless...
So keep talking that bullshit...
The Glock leaves Disciples fucked...Like a Messiah Crucifix...
Chugging that dick - running that pipe - grinding that shit
smoking that white, He gots to be fucked...
Just try to insult me...I'll leave your face brewed in Shit like Civet Coffee*
I battle Masters - not no fucking Disciple
Defeating you - brings to no gain to my title...Here's the snub faggit...
Read between the Brackets (YOUR SHIT)
The only time your gettin' cover is when your under the matress...
To rapverse your useless - I'll quit if I lose this
Your Flow clouts like blood - Your last battle ripped Tulips
-This clown will get bucked!-
Please deliver the message, I'll leave you hung high like Judas
Cause of your snitching movements....
~Take time, I proved this chump is worthless~
~A rapper without a purpose~
~You couldn't diss me twice, If Jesus spat 16 verses~

This is a verse I did on mayhem but he didn't show so I couldn't get no feed on it.


yo,
I can see its 0-0 on scale, But we are not evenly matched, jerk
'Coz your known for elevatin the weight--->along with snoozes from your last verse
And dawg, this kid brings gifts to a battle, man I must be dreamin
'Coz I get a big W for Christmas ...and all I May'hem, was a casket to sleep in
This bastard is leakin, he should follow the light and stair way...Repeatedly
S'what most folks do when they see 'Mayhem, they ^------^ Immediately
You'v never defeated me, Even in you dreams where things happends
'Coz I'll crunch this flake into the sea---> or till his face is Capt'n'
So how's it feel to be eaten alive in a verse, 'coz this's your last bout
'Coz like Butler, I aint drop in ranking ...I just stayed back after 5 to toss some of the trash out

^^^ I know it is, I have lots of dope ideas for this league. I agree, Nick's way was pretty dope... I'm not gonna do that here, but in the future i prolly will

I can see its 0-0 on scale, But we are not evenly matched, jerk
'Coz your known for elevatin the weight--->along with snoozes from your last verse
This concept just didn't work... the idea of scales weights/waits just seemed a bit of a stretch and not really hard hitting... there isn't really a way I could work this same idea dopely. However, if I were to do this same idea, I prolly woulda made the punchline like "Ur known for liftin' weights...that always fail during Crunch time".. or relate some other excercise into it.. i dunno, not much to work with here
And dawg, this kid brings gifts to a battle, man I must be dreamin
'Coz I get a big W for Christmas ...and all I May'hem, was a casket to sleep in
Concept here is cool, but too basic and not even really a punch.. like say just the punchline to yourself and ask "would this offend me?" In this case, not at all. I woulda done this bar something like this"
Just surrender, for christmas my girl sent me a letter
N' said She May'Hem.. is just a discription of ur gender
This bastard is leakin, he should follow the light and stair way...Repeatedly
S'what most folks do when they see 'Mayhem, they ^------^ Immediately
I honestly don't understand this line... light and stair repeadetly? I get the stare/stair thing, but I don't get how it relates or what you were going for. Since I don't really know I can't help you much but say this wasn't worded well lol
You'v never defeated me, Even in you dreams where things happends
'Coz I'll crunch this flake into the sea---> or till his face is Capt'n'
concept here is pretty fresh so good shit with that. I don't like the setup here since its really not related at all so work on fixing the relationship... this wasn't bad tho, could be worded better as its very indirect. The way u went with this is okay, but I woulda went with the flake wordplay.. maybe something lke this:
Always runnin' from good rappers so I'll slap this chump
U fuckin' Flake so much, ur face looks like it was Capt n' Crunch'd
So how's it feel to be eaten alive in a verse, 'coz this's your last bout
'Coz like Butler, I aint drop in ranking ...I just stayed back after 5 to toss some of the trash out
i hate when people conclude like this.. with one of those "i just destroyed you" type punches.. dude, this isn't a fuckin' novel, u don't need a "conclusion" that sums shit up. Basically write out all your punches, then spread out your best ones.. make sure ur closer and opener are one of ur better ones... i can't reword this really, I don't think it coulda been good

May'hem and Capt Crunch shit were cool, the rest I wasn't feelin'... hope that helps dawg

^ thanks a lot DTH...on the "follow the light and stair way repeatedly" I ment it as a different way of saying that you shoud die, repeatedly. I really did kinda lose steam on the last line. Iv really de-elivated a lot because I was out for a long time. 85% of you your suggestions where good and I liked the Capt n' Crunch'd line you made. Good shit fam.

^ Wtf at qualifying yourself to him Tav. Who gives a fuck if people don't rap on a mic, fuck I hate people who come in text forums with that shit.

Anyway, Final.:

Remis a pussy, To handle ur beef, u run for the bat, kid
i tryed diggin up ur ways of fighting,
. . . n` ended up with the name in ya wack sig
I can't see his sig so this means nothing to me. Sig punches ain't usually all that though, and this seems pretty simple

Plus ya fat bitch,
most men love ur looks, so ya mackin` skills surpass me
cuz even all the girls yell Oh remis!! - so fuckin` nasty
This flat out don't work. These type of punches have been used a lot before, the type that are basically saying "you're so good...not". Not feeling this

N` im dope with the swag, and my rhymin is bar none
But how u spose to be fly - when you cant even scar one
This is played as well, nice wording though. But yeah, stay away from any type of fly punches unless you can flip it really really fresh.

I'm makin` hit tracks on thursdays, while ur drinkin by the bar
but its cuz ur cd`s already good - for playin` frisby out the car
Played again. Basically, if something is really obvious then don't use it. Your wording is pretty cool though, if you could get fresh concepts you'd be pretty good

You get excited over christmas, u got spirit 'round ya place
but if i EVER see your presence - im`a bash u in ya face
Prob the best punch of the verse. Presence-Presents wordplay is pretty played though, but the fact that it's Christmas probably redeems it a bit.

You've got good wording, but your concepts are just really played and old. Try and find someone to hit up on AIM before you post verses, and ask them if they like your bars. Preferrably someone who's been around for a little while, as you're main problem is played bars and a new person can't sort that out.

Let me say one thing...

One of the major mistakes newer heads make is playing off of a concept more than dissing their opponent. For example, in the beat to death line some kid posted in here:

.,And even HE knew it, thinking I’m fake and can’t Spit Ether?
Mayhem’ll get “Beat to death” Like he lost a foot race to the Grim Reaper

Whoever wrote this was focusing too much on how to use the phrase "beat to death" PERIOD -- and not nearly enough on how to use the phrase to diss his opponent. Basically, he tried to "validate" the phrase with the second part of the punch "like he lost a foot race to the grim reaper", which resulted in the diss being almost nonexistant.

word its good to get a bunch of other peoples advice
especially for noobs cuz you dont want to absorb only one persons opinions

Tef really opened my eyes to relize things that i restlessly doubted
He showed me theres more to losing - theres crying n questionin about it
But dont worry, your gettin` better dood, your earnin` your place
as the guy in the league that gets whored by every decent textcee u face
N` ur verse is a waste, all the stuff you drop is gettin more and more played
So fuck the dumbshit - and no tef, that doesnt mean you`re getting laid
I`m a good cook, step back virgin or i`ll be forced to bake ya, fag
But in order to make T ef - u need 3 kegs of beer, some vodka n` a paper bag

Tef really opened my eyes to relize things that i restlessly doubted
He showed me theres more to losing - theres crying n questionin about it
I really liked this concept. It was simple, but effective. Only thing I would change is I would change questionin' to bitching or something else that sounds more harsh. Crying is good, makes him sound like a pussy. Questionin' doesn't do much for me..its just about adding that mean streak to ur verse
But dont worry, your gettin` better dood, your earnin` your place
as the guy in the league that gets whored by every decent textcee u face
This wasn't effective because its too generic and bland. If this was against someone who continually lost over and over to good people it'd hit harder, but TEF doesn't have that rep yet so this is kinda bland. If u want it to hit harder, add wit to it. Maybe a punchline like "you've found ur niche...with all the other wack fucks who lose to everyone decent". Not the best example, but its just the idea u need wit to this where you make it sound like ur going to say one thing, then switch it up and say something else that disses him
N` ur verse is a waste, all the stuff you drop is gettin more and more played
So fuck the dumbshit - and no tef, that doesnt mean you`re getting laid
Okay, this punchline wasn't too bad, but the concept of its kinda played. What i want to focus on here is your setup. All you had to say was:

Ur verse's a waste, ur gettin' worse n' more played

It says the same thing, but flows MUCH better. In other words, when you write setups, and this applies to punchlines too, u generally don't want to waste words, say what u want to say with as few syllables as possible. Ur setup had a lotta unnecessary words which slowed the process of getting to the punch and weakened its effect
I`m a good cook, step back virgin or i`ll be forced to bake ya, fag
But in order to make T ef - u need 3 kegs of beer, some vodka n` a paper bag
Concept here is good. But bake ya fag? That doesn't really make sense, lol. Anyway, only thing u could do to improve this is build that element of suspense in here which builds up to the punchline. U didn't really do that. I woulda made the punchline:

But there's hope to make T ef...
... just get a fifth, 3 kegs of beer...n` a paper bag

Very small difference, but just builds up the punch more

Hope that helps.