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'Wield A Blade?'
Wield A Blade?
Darkness Before Dawn The echo of thunder crosses through the hills in which we rally... ...The grass is far from green in this death forsaken valley......... Two armies line these rocks and these slopes... On the wave of war, so rocky this boat, as to put a stop to my hope.. Darkness shrouds my vision as I examine those in waiting... The scattered souls of soldiers who have long died unwaking Nobody speaks a word, for cowardice shows those who cower ....All pawns in a game in which we have no control or power The blade in my palms signifies my undying and loyal march Even though this was never I war I had any intention to start Droplets begin to sprinkle, the tinking of water across metal... ..............Dusk begins to crawl, as the sun begins to settle... Dawn would stain the musky grass early in the morning... Some of these men are children, their families will be in mourning.... O, these hallowed hills, and what sorrows they will bring... ...How many men will die because of quarells between kings..? Dawn Before Death I awake suddenly, drunken from dozing so deeply... ...The grass was wet, I did not realize I was sleeping... I see that I am not the only one stirring in the light... ...But the army had changed, as if it was through night Some men bowed, prayed for the lives to be lost... ...I stood silent, my emotions were divided and tossed My experience on the field was more than most... ...Even I knew that our enemy would cut through our host A soldier walked towards me, but he was barely a man ...The sword shook awkardly, the one he carried in his hand Suddenly, a shout, something was coming from the East... ...I drew my weapon, and shouted something like a beast..! Death Before Darkness The blade of my enemy pertrudes from my chest... ...And I fall to the ground, exhaling air from my breast Hot blood seems to pour into the trench... ...My soul is drenched, tossed down into the hellish depths I begin to recollect how I came to this place... ...I remember my father, and he looked right into my face... "Why do we Weild A Blade..?" he asked me as he died. I sat and I cried, "It's to defend this kingdom that is mine." He sadly smiled, and he nodded with satisfaction... ...I remember how my life changed, that was my reaction... I weep as I see my soldiers cry and die with grunts... ...I failed as a King, and a son............all at once.... Links: http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=245682 http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=246009 |
Links or this will be closed, will leave detailed feed once links have been supplied bro.
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^Links are up man, sorry about that.
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I'll leave feed on this when i can other wise im bump'n this for you.
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Lol thanks man.
Looking for the first feed. :( |
Not bad not bad....actually its better then my SS drop on RB lmao that's for sure seeing as i didn't have time for it but you show much promise in controlling the elements of writing eventho you can strengthen your figure of speech to broaden your horizon of your piece and add that lil extra kick to it, your emotion is decent and your imagry was good. structure of the piece was decent and an overall pretty good piece.
I'll be looking for more drops by your in the near future hopefully props on the drop and i'll be seeing you in ABL pretty soon |
I like the effort put into it, which goes along way with me.
Skill wise.....it was nice, nice story and development, only thing is I couldnt see really being rapped to a beat, but lyrically it was dope. |
deep story very good creative vocabulary you painted the picture you were trying to.
real good drop only problem is it should have been longer..8.5/10 |
This poem was put to it's best effort. I can tell alot of best thought was put into this Verse'...AND all of it sections was relevant to each other. Well Connected...
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it was nice, u had me thinkin pictures but u need to work on makin it flow
experiment wit rhyme scheme n shit like dat...but overall it gets a 3.8 out of 5 to me |
L.E., this was one of the better drops this month. More feedback should have been included on this piece... I felt the emotion, complexity, and the word usage in the piece was chosen effectively to the point that you maintained a great rhyme schema in this piece.
Good Job on this writing.... |
This was a good drop man. Only thing you really lacked was a consistent flow throughout which would make the piece a tad better. But the story, and the vocab were on point. The imagery you set off was good aswell. Keep writing.
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vocab was decent but the flow to me wasnt all there because when i read it and try to spit it out it didnt sound right or to exciting or noting more of a ok read it was like reading a book rather then spitting a song you feel me? no hate i thought you focus on this topic well and have well thought out bars and all but i wasnt kept into it i wasnt like WOW THAT SHIT HOT DANM more like aw thats cool no dout ok you feel me?? which means it was decent but not so good. but nice drop none the less just keep the reader more entertain aight cool stay up.
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