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These Four Walls
cold walls melt like polar ice caps in the south mellow puff of the ciggerette that draps from my mouth how can i leave?!! when Im chained to myself brain is in doubt that I can maintain social health, rapidly trembling in terror, I scream 'Sorry mother!!' happyness in a bottle, Im searching for another bleed tears from my eye,' please god I need hope' these four walls enclose, like the lick of a envolope devise a plan, decide to stand, seen as Im a man my mind it ran, I should live the life at hand escape isnt apparent, painfull drop to my knees stop and then freeze its not possible to leave stunning visions of freedom flood my mindstate do I wish to physically see the gaurd at gods gates? disregard my hearts rate and start a fast pace stab play on the radio, fuckn hate what the chart plays been here stagnat for months, will anyone let me out tie a rope round my neck to the roof........ .............stand on a bolck of ice and wait for it to melt |
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Not bad for a short piece, plenty of emotion and better yet the imagry stood out the most IMO not too complex or anything but pretty decent good display of vocabulary and word choice props
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soul man...
...very nice for such a short piece bruh. this was a well executed drop fam, deep shit im my opinion. you stayed on topic throughout the verse, your flow was nice, also, great description of the mood/mindstate...nice show of emotion. the vocab wasnt too complicated, but you chose the words that worked best and meshed well with the overall work. :thumbup: great job homie. keep on keepin' on brutha... ...the super |
good read, you expressed how you were feeling and displayed it in the peice,
it was very imaginative you used good discriptive words..good drop |
^^^25 words altogether...nice. you must've really liked the piece. lol talk...jk homie. im fuckin' with ya.
p.s.- soul is cooler than winter weather in alaska. s.v. |
Thats cool son. Thanks for the feed much appreciatted.
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pretty decent...i would have liked to see a more complex rhyme scheme...and better vocabulary..but what you did was fairly efficient...you got your point across...maintained syllable count...had some good metaphors and such....the only thing that makes this piece better..is like i said before..vocab and a more complex rhyme scheme.....it's those tangible things that will help you convey your emotion in a more/most concise way.
keep at it man..you're doin good. |
This was a pretty good original piece. i couldn't tell if the person in the story was drunk or just had his/her mind going crazy. I felt that you stayed on the topic at hand very well and had a good choice of words in this piece.
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Thanks for the feedback , will hit return feed soon.
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that was fly............................
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i like it....this piece reminds me on how i used to write in my notebooks..short but sweet..and you didnt kill the verse with huge words that wouldnt fit..some people dont grasp the meaning of short and sweet..its not meant to have "enhanced" vocabulary..its meant to get straight to the point. which is what u did...but more about the meaning of the verse..i feel the strongest part of your verse came towards the end..because the emotion became more vibrant to me..i felt it come to a deeper stage not just ordinary.....the read in the beginning to me was a little boring you used exclamation poitns but i still didnt feel the emphasis of what you were saying..it was more "blah" but you wrapped this piece up nicely ..im a sucker for emotion..and this piece rocked out with it.
overall 7.5/10 man keep up the dopeness |
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