Unadulterated Penetration
 

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=246343

Unadulterated Penetration

vaginal pain shields any smile, regardless of her needs
whilest absorbic acid seeps out of her corroded arteries
tragedy strikes brief, emotions of shock remain within
slippin a mickey in wiskey proved she's violated by friends
regardless of sin, forensic evidence is shown on the forskin
no denyin the crime, on victims face, nothin but torment
fingerprints n hair folicals prove who the perpetrator is
whether its more involved, understand..she'll never have kids
with a bruised sterm, punctured lung, damage is shown now
she struggles to stand upright, her knee slightly blown out
ideas of rehibilation lessen, she grasps the walker slowly
flashes of the attack resurface, while here thoughts exploding
a marron colour covers her tears, eyeshadow readily smears
as pain of disgestin solid foods superseed her thought of fear
DNA's embedded under her nails, revealed by flouresant light
after that bitter night, she know in the fight for her life
at bedside, her life meter fades, overriden by fear of pain
deep gasps for breathe aspire, as the doctor proceeds to explain
how carramastic the youngster is, despite the vital ordeal
and how most who suffer the same fate, mostly end up killed
with her face turning plush red, tears descend toward the bed
until the wet spot beneath her hair extends to saturate her head
amnesia fades quick, at the perpetrators, she began to reminise
how one pervert cliched his fist, hittin her dead in the lips
on the canvas she sits, awakenin to nightmares in a cold sweat
one day she'd hit pubrity, but shes not close to that age yet
its a crazed death, dead to the world, none hear your cries
even when the pain scream out n introdes into your inner thighs
no more can I stand the site, my eyes are watery as I speak
and I scolded with the mere fact this girl turn 5 last week
& confrontin her parents is insane, I knew this from the start
religion fills there souls, but vengence dominates there hearts
glancin slowly at red ring on her neck, hatred escalates greater
observin the swellin proves that those at fault were not strangers
increasing is the anger, the adolescent struggles to open her eye
and proceeds to dictate, her short life and how it was deprived
now at a whisper, a name escalates throughout her fragile laranyx
while her parent comprehend she has a lessen chance of bearin kids
she rolls over onto her belly, the doctor monitors the heart device
its steadily beats at 85/minute, showin how hard she fights

Pretty decent piece but your forcing your vocabulary to favor your own word choice and it takes alot away from your drop entirely, always with trying to truly highten your vocabulary like that it severly shifts the syllable count which effects the flow and fluidness/smoothness of the drop itself from line to lines, truly a ok piece just a lil over done on the vocab the imagry was ok the emotion was pretty basic IMO *shrugs* keep it up tho

*You need to feed another piece or i'll be forced to closed this*

Your vocabulary is impressive..and its obvious you have it. You just need to learn when to use em. Using the most complex and most describing words every chance you get makes a tough read.. It cuts down on the flow / imagery / an emotion. Sometimes adding a little simple vocab in there is good aswell. Other than that your piece was pretty good. You had good structure..it put together a nice lil story to read. Although kinda depressing imo. lol. Good drop man, you got skills an alot of potential. Less vocab next time haha.

pz.

Everything is nice just try to let it flow better.. The vocab is niced but very forced and like Multie said... it takes away from it. Great concept, nice little story. I did loose focus on some parts but overall you did nicely.

Vocab,vocab,vocab.

This is solid bro, I think its far above most of RV hence the reason its being slept on. Im more impressed byt the fact, its got solid vocab in it, but still makes sense and everything flows (fits) perfect.

religion fills there souls, but vengence dominates there hearts
glancin slowly at red ring on her neck, hatred escalates greater


This stood out like crazy to me. Your a talented writer, looking forward to more.

Thanks for all the feedback...

Mods please close this...

its been open long enough....

*Still Missing That Link*

Closed.