Week 1: Mr.Write vs. Coke Dealer
 

cool, i'm here....

not sure what topic you wanna do

i was thinkin of One Last Time

down to do like 16?

if he dont check in my thursday i'm not droppin anything tho.

dude it dont matter to me im choosing my own topic from the topic thread we dont need to agree on one....lmfao


anyways check


http://www.community.rapverse.com/s...ad.php?t=249241
http://www.community.rapverse.com/s...ad.php?t=249243

I stare away, my eyes they fade, as i say 'this one last time'
This one last time, i rhyme, to myself, considering my health
I should stop and swear it off, cuz this can't be the hand i'm dealt
But it is, n life's just shit, i'm 21 and have almost a year old kid
Who's life is this? Its mine, i'd quit, but my daughter Alexis wont have it
But this one last time i just sip on it, i put my lips on it, it's my love
I drive miles to get it, n once i'm with it, it feels like an internal hug
'Let it go' she says, but i can't, i shrug isntead, knowing my feelings inside of my head
How can i let it go, i've tried before, this shit's a jealous whore, i'ma end up dead
N addiction, i sit flitching, with out it in my hand, i rage on the outside but inside i'm sad
Can't let it go, not even for one time, cuz one time's to many like Coke lines
N i'd say im fine, but we know when im' fronting, stuck in, my minds fucked n i'm seeing the signs
You see me, it'd please me to see another man go and get off it so easy
Wrappin my mind around poles like stripper legs, my minds racing for days like Stewart
But it sucks when you know you hurt, but you only hurt, because of the people YOU hurt.
This aint a math equation, because my actions, they aint adding up
Cuz even if i said, this is just one last time...i'd just tell myself to shut up

coke- man, i can tell you were writing from the heart... i mean the rhymescheme wasn't the best in the world and some of the bars didnt flow right. I think as for the emotion, you we're on target. I could see it, getting drunk and causing emotional scars to your family and take that one last sip to console you for the rest of your journey without that type of crutch.. I thought it was heavy throwing your daughter in the verse only one year old telling you to let it go.. lol crazy bastard

vs

Mr. write- theres hardly ever a drop by you i'm not feeling. I needed to reread it to really grasp where you was getting at.. the world is really a fucked up place for a bum.. and the idea of an unemployed entertainer(clown) I don't think i could've thought of that lol. the picture was a great add at the end. and the last line made me feel like you could've made this piece 10 times doper... and it was already tight. alot of lines that made me go back and want to soak in more meaning from them. propers

v/Write

up over closed.

Coker, your structure was hard to flollow, but your mesage was clear, some weak spots could use some rewording, better vocab and more use of poetic devices will make it a lot better, wasn't bad though



Write, I was really feeling this your a talentaed writer, message was clear your peice was dope except for it got a little boring as it went on, like you focused more on structure and vocabulary it took away from the story, still dope though....


vote write

Coke Dealer- A kind of nonspecific take on the topic for me, you got inside the narrator's head well and wrote his stream of thoughts, but as far as the piece went there wasn't much progression from where it started. Vocab could've been a little stronger but was solid for most of it. Rhyme scheme and imagery were straightforward, felt like you could've made more of them.

Mr Write- I liked the take on the topic although it was a little obscure in places, the picture brought things together at the end though. The imagery was the strongest aspect of the piece which to me is the basis of a good topical piece. Rhyme scheme could've been stronger. The vocab was at the right level to make it readable. The narration progressed steadily and held my interest. Overall a solid piece.


Vote- write, for a better quality verse all round.

coke i can definately see some potential from you. You do a good job relating to the topic that your writing about. overall i feel like you presented your peice well. the imagery stood out. painted a good picture in my mind. what i see wrong though is the simplicity of your verse. The structure was simple along with the wording. Definately upgrade your vocab.


mr-overall not bad man. i can definately tell your one to look out for in the league. i thought you had great wordplay and excellent scheme. You presented a great picture with your imagery as well. I can tell the piece was thought out, but definately not ya best

v/ mr

wont let me edit shit in

so here's my first link

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=249243

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post3260540

2nd link

i'd of edited them in, but i can't edit, so....yay

Wow, i had somthin really good written up for both of you, then i accidently pressed refresh...but ill try to remeber what I said...


Coke- Your topic and imagery was very good, but some of the lines were stretched just a lil at times. The structure couldve used some editing and been a little better also the vocab too but other than that overall it was very good.

Write-I liked your topic a lot. And idk i guess the better structure a topical has, the better it looks but idk cause im new here, so correct me if im wrong. Your imagery was very good although I couldnt follow it until the end when it all made sense.

2 good topicals...but ill vote WRITE on this one.

ill edit in my links