Week 1: N†T vs. In-Vision
 

So i got check...ha haha

seriously man, show

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=249243 link.

I'll just drop this i guess for the hell of it



Dead and gone-No Matter What-Tomorrow-

Confused inside wonderin why my conscience is my only will to survive
I'll try, so cope with my race that could die..

My being is all wrong, my last breath wont be right.
I'm slowly dieing, and I've been deprived of a life
The creator turned his back and disregarded my call--
and now hes just waiting, to watch me ((fall))
Cause when I'm dead and gone, it wont matter at all....
....I've walked through the valleys, with death on my shoulder,
and with each pace that I take, his breath gets colder
..Cause with the weight on my back I carry this boulder....

---I lie unrested with my faith tested, and no ammends for my sorrow.....
....'cause in my reality, (NO MATTER WHAT), there is no tomorrow---

I couldnt choose my life, but i'm forced to lead through this fight
My hunger is bounding as I sway through the light
Despite--my struggle deepens as I lie....but I'll ask myself... why---
WHY? why are my people dyin?
Is this a work of your plan, or can you say that your tryin?
I make a living out of living, how bout that for an example..
|With my mother dead....am I just a sample?|


---I lie unrested with my faith tested, and no ammends for my sorrow.....
....'cause in my reality, (NO MATTER WHAT), there is no tomorrow---

Never made an impact, but what did I lack?
In fact, everything, when your countrys been tracked.
Suddenly, a flash, and the light turns to black
My vitals shut down and my bodys attacked
The perceptions increasing, but my brains deceasing
'Hands of light', "save me" but they cannot reach me..
my mouth trembles as my body disembles..
and my hunger, what then kept me alive
now empowers my thought and forced me to die
My minds now fucked, looks like I'm outta luck
hopefully the "after-life" can make this right or else I'm just stuck,
But as I approach the end of the tunnel,--open the gates of white stone
They immediatley shut them, and I'm denied of a home...
...So as i fight to keep my last dieing breath,
I know my far struggled life isn't over just yet.

---I lie unrested with my faith tested, and no ammends for my sorrow.....
....'cause in my reality, (NO MATTER WHAT), there is no tomorrow---

And I'll be buried and sift through my time
knowing if u put food in my bowl, i couldve survived...


..HELP...

^hey jon can you keep this open for feed??


feed please..

In-Vision DQ'd.
Consider this your warning.

up over closed.

if you feed this piece it can be considered as a link.

too bad that your shit was no showed against

hopefully Vision can get back into this, cuz dude can def. drop dope poetry.

but

i enjoyed your peice man, i just wished that your detail to what it is that you were going for, like i got your overal message, but the detail's of how you are going about it, could have been done much much better

it felt like alot of your bars were stretched in order to get that extra rhyme in, and sometimes saying nothing is better than saying something

i liekd the structure of your verus, but the lyrical structure was the thing that i didn't like, felt pretty easy to go with

just my 2 cents

appreciated, thank you. more feedss yo...

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post3260576 second link.

Avoid strecthing your lines out and forcing a ryhme scheme.
You have good imagery, simplify wording... expand vocabulary.
You CAN do both at the same time.

Work on the overall flow, it will be nice to see how you
approach different topics throughout the season.