Astral Travel
 

Astral Travel

I lay awake listening to headphones -my latest mix tape
feeling the beats right down to my bones - shit's great
before i know it yo i'm rising up out of my own flesh
is this a dream or am i actually realising my own death?
i see my body lifeless, still layin on the bed
headphones still stitting on top of my head
the beat takes me over yo i'm feeling kinda light now
i'm starting to panic coz something aint right now
suddenly im in the roof lookin at some rat traps
mice chillin by the cheese, spiders takin cat naps
i float up and i'm hovering over a rusty tin rooftop
i don't know how its happening but i wish it would stop
my pulse rate's rushing i can feel the blood gushing through my vains
dear god please don't let me die today
the anxiety passes, i'm calming down
i feel like nothing could happen to harm me now
surrounded by clouds i'm higher than the tree tops
i want to go visit my dog just to see whats up
shit before i get a chance to recognise - im looking down
over his roof top now on the other side of town
dope shit, travel at the speed of thought effortless
my dog aint home i start to think about this chick
boom, i'm in her room watching her sleep total peace
i'm no sick pup, blow her a kiss her on her cheek
then i'm out by the liquor store thinking bout stout
stop to think for a minute 'what the fuck is this about?'
i remember my body laying back there and i appear
back where i began in my room now 'how did i get here?'
this shit is too trippy yo, the panics coming back
tryna get back in my body before i have a heart attack
everything went blurry and i started to shake
i heard a 'click' and woke up with a gasp - end of the tape...

this is new for me yo, never really worked with concepts like this before...
holler back and let me know what ya'll thinks.

was a good attempt... i think your flow sorta fell off around this point

maybe im just not reading it right... keep rhymin

Not bad, I was feeling it at the beginning but it started to lose my attention with the whole "rap traps" and "spiders taking cat naps". It was creative but not that appealing. Like i said great start: "i see my body lifeless, still layin on the bed
headphones still stitting on top of my head
the beat takes me over yo i'm feeling kinda light now
i'm starting to panic coz something aint right now" deep man

yo,
i'm still workin this one...points taken...
thanks for the feedback.

Peace.

Thought it was some pretty dope shit.. felt like I was travelling with you man. Good for your first concept.. things can only get better!

Shit was decent many, you keep the people reading at the biginning cause it sounds interesting and you don't give yourself away at the start, like I didn't know what you was trying to put across until later in the piece, giving little by little, pretty good man... keep rhyming

Peace

thanks for the feedback...

felt that shit fam. nice concept. the outter body experience shit had it popin. keep postin

yeah this could use some work.You placed words that were meaningless to the story you were throwing out-- I think this is something alot of poets/mc's do----you have potential to write a possible nice thread keep attempting something will spark

thanks yo...uppin for the advice...

that's hot
 

Yo Low Key, That s*it was hot.
I know I'm a little late wit it.
but the keystyle was real

like ya workin on sum original concepts like. nice in those terms. as people said ya vocab need to be worked a bit but ya know just choose words that convey the concept of the piece more. ya flow was simple but still aight in itself. try adding some more multis. anyway this was still a better idea that 80% the shit posted. anyway check mine not on me (war) aight peace la