Drowning
 

Searching for what I want reaching high looking, lost.
Swimming, gone far away, searching for my lord, drowning.
Reaching for you stars singing, truth.
Dimensions drift, calling to me, lost without help, drowning.
Drowning in the ocean of time, knowledge surrounding me
unending, am I ready to die?
Focused on what my life has to give, nothing, wanting more,
drowning.
Lost in a sea of colorless light, my passion, my life, worthless
desires, worship the only thing I can give, accepted.
The colors bond together on a narrow chain leading me to
repentence.
The desires of this world a brink in time , an illusion, pain.
I'm lost.
I must follow the straight narrow path blindly searching for my
lord ignorantly, drowning in the knowledge of the one God to
vigorusly, to sacred to contain.
Drowning in the spritual form of ectasy.

UPPPPPPPPPPIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

Alright Spoken Word Piece...Repetative But
Also Attracting To The Reader/Listener
Do You Homie And Thats All That Matters

~Content~

hmmmm--I think i understand what you wanted out of this poem.. I think your abstract direction could have been cleaned up a bit in the following lines.

Focused on what my life has to give, nothing, wanting more,
drowning

The desires of this world a brink in time , an illusion, pain.
I'm lost.

It really depends i dont expect a rhyme scheme at all just a choice of new words. always keep you reader abounding in each line with a new phrase or choice of vocabulary. When im writing i always want to stay abstract to the readers thought. Throw them off a little with words that they aren't commonly familiar with--Make them study your written with dictionary's then make them understand the whole meaning within the last couple lines. I think poems with this substance make up a more innovating atmosphere for the reader to digest. peep rapture----light when you get the chance--overall nice words--keep it up

I like you thoughts...resembles me. Lord is a Capital though.
keep rhyming

Re: Drowning
 

:rolleyes:

uupppppinnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

upppinnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i really didn't like the repetitive direction that this piece took... but that just me...seemed like the topic of this was a bit off... emotions a little mixed to me...
but i got this...noth'n realy stood out to qoute...but ok piece

i'd give it a 6/10....................1

uppinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

uppinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn