visions of death
 

visions is piction to fiction,
death dream addicion,
so listen what im wishin,
livin a life of sin,
every day L to the dome wit a bottle of gin cousin,
cause death is the position givin,
blood driven-mind lasen ,
like my dog said its all illiusion,
sparkin from the mind like fusion bruisen ,
battlin muthafuckas neva loosin,
so what ya choosen,
written in the scriptures as the ghetto constituion,
step up to 187 ya head youll be loosin,
rollin in the escalade steady cruisen,

visions of death there aint no time left

as far as rap goes...keep at it, your verse is very simplistic, bar structure is off, which in turn fucks the flow up....here's some pointers:

Flow/Structure:
+Maximum Syllables per line: 16
+Minimum Syllables per line: 13

Vocab:
+Read a Dictionary....lol

Wordplay:
+Make more words rhyme than just the last word

Wrk on those, andyou'll bebetter in no time, or alot of time depending on how fast you adapt to the chages that lie ahead...

Nice verse though

P.e.a.c.e.

the multis werent bad....couldnt really seam to find to flow, but its hard when your reading it....

uppins