[16] Brix vs [19] A2Z
 

Check In By.... Friday
Post By.... Sunday
Vote By....Tuesday


Topic

a blind mans sight

cheking in, this will be interesting

Check in

aight, not quite shure exactly what to write so here i go

You see him everyday, sitting on the street// 1
Cup in his hands, asking for money so he can eat// 2
But each day ya turn turning him down you’re a greedy little prick// 3
Ya keep the change in ya pocket and you don’t give him shit// 4
He realizes it everyday, hes sees shit like hes Daredevil(not really, it’s a meta lol)// 5
But he just lets it go, he lets ya tight ass revel// 6
Everytime you pass, you try not to make a sound// 7
But even when u walk on the grass, he knows that your around// 8
Wierd isn’t it… you thought he couldn’t see// 9
But little did you know that you could see just as much as he// 10
He knew exactly what was happening, that faggots were stiffing him of change// 11
Slowly, ever so slowly, something began to grow, something called rage// 12
But he keeps it quiet; he never makes a peep/ 13
No one would listen to him, after all, he can’t see// 14
His spider sense tells him people are walking past// 15
Off to work, off to a hooker, not giving him a glance// 16
His hearing says that people don’t really care// 17
He begins to cry… is he even really there// 18
After all, he can’t see himself, but he CAN feel// 19
That is how he sees, that is his living hell// 20
One day he just gets fed up, he sick of ya penny pinching// 21
He punches you in the mouth, he spits in your face unflinching//22
He looks down at you, useless eyes red and pissed//23
He doesn’t look in your eyes, but his cold stare can’t be missed// 24
What do you do next, mentally you debate// 25
With a cock of the arm you punch the blind man in his face// 26
And you run, dammit you run like a little girl// 27
And you know, even though he can see, he knows his fucking world//28

uppin for feedback on that vere (is that what i was suppoed to write) lol

A blind mans sight is just as precious as a mans wife/
They go together like a knife griped in a hand tight/
He was born in a Christian household now he can’t even tell if he is taned or white/
But still shines brighter then a candle light/
Jason played ball with his handle tight, now he walks with shades on his manly face/
Dreams about dreaming to still be able to live the American dream/
He still panicking for the green, but his life aint goin’ nowhere like a manikin seen in a mall with franking teens/
Its like his vision is shattering his dreams, bating his means/
He wants to be noticed like a gat on a scene, maybe a bench player or the main cat on the team/
The only thing J got out of this was a better hearing, but he says he rather see the basket and shoot the J/
And wear a shoe to play..win games and go to parties in a suit that’s gray/
He dreamt about being on espn…shootin’ freethrows to put his team up and become a cham-pee-n/
J still misses the fact that he cant stand and pee again, or put right amount of sugar and drink his tea again/
He wants to make commercials where he can sweat Gatorade, or shave his face with a razor blade/
He tells every one he wants to blow up like 8 gernades/
After thinking about all this he asks a lady to help him cross the street/
Cause he needs to go home because he lost some sleep/

Holla BaK :D

aihgt, lets get some votes

Straight up I didn't like Brix piece. And it felt like A2Z took his piece straight from Everlast's : What it's like. But I still liked yours better.

Vote=A2Z

i did? never heard the song actually

1-0 me uppin

yeah vote to A2Z
his verse was better structured and had better imagery and story...kept me interested whereas the other one didnt

He doesn’t look in your eyes, but his cold stare can’t be missed
that was a nice line^

other cat ur shit didn't make a lot of sense
just lacking in a bit of imagination.......and seemed kind of juvenile
keep tryin though

a2z had the better story but if you break down the rest of it brix had the flow, volcab and shit like that. it's close but i'm have to go with a2Z

A2Z took this.
But you need to get more serious with your shit. you're writing this story... this r\trivial story and there are lines that could be replaced with things that have meaning and are creative and get somewhere. it's hard to tell a good story in less than 30 lines... there isn't room for developement in a topical battle. you just have to be more intense with your writing.

Brix--
much too trivial to have any significant impact on the reader. There were no "punch" lines .... you ended rhyme schemes weakly with no force. ... structure and rhyme pattern killed you.

vote- A2Z

4- 0 me--- KO

does this go to my <------ record?

no^
and please return the favour mine hasnt had any votes yet

I'm giving ths to A2Z.. flow was alot tighter, and it had better wordplay and vocab, some attempts at multies (not really) and a tighter story..