song for you~
 

Pen in hand, paper on desk
But I can’t find words that express
My insides churn, my outsides shaken
I get flashes of the pills I had taken
Not much time left so I need to start
Let my soul take control; write from the heart
She knows I love her but ill make it clear
With whispery words written in her ear
To sing it to her, I won’t be there
But as she reads, my voice she’ll hear
My mind going blank, my paper is not
But I can’t continue, I lost my thoughts
Fall on the floor with sweet pictures in my head
Her face repeats with love…
goes black…
I’m dead

hahaha

best poem i read since i got here, besides my shit

if u want critisism then the vocab could have upped, but if u want praise then that shit was bomb

Damnz,

SUP BABYBOI, HOW U DOIN??

Was diggin this, luven it, tight as!!
Fuck vocab , shit flowed nicely ,
ur emtions came out nice & clear,

Props

Pz

yea i know fuck vocab, buit some times when i post i want feedback, not just ppl tellin me how ill it was namean?

so basicly i covered it by tellin him how ill it was, and what could be changed to make it better

Dog that was crazy insane fa real..

Some ILL lines in that man..

Keep doin ya thing man, that was like a short story condensed into a poem, It was really nice man I liked it alot..

up?

Compact yet powerful.

That's hard to do. To put so much in so few lines. And you did it fucking damn well...

..nothing else to say...no need to...it was a good example of what it was (and i tihnk the lack of complex or more 'upper' vocab made it what it was..)..

...resp....

dang. that was crazy. real good post. it flowed and tha words was powerful. tha emotionz shone through. its simplicity made it wat it is. reel nice piece. feelin it mos def.

it is difficult to say a lot in a little space...
you did quite well here.

to be picky, a couple questions. There is no explaination to why.
1. he loves her
2. hes killing himself

The poem does work very well on it's own...however I have trouble being sympathetic for the character because this all is unexplained...

But I did enjoy it, and i think it was good.
keep it up
Peace

sup Phrantik. You always got nice writez.
This was a tight piece, powerful, mad imagery. Really captivating. Reminded me of a Romeo n Juliet type deal. My favorite line was:

>She knows I love her but ill make it clear
With whispery words written in her ear
To sing it to her, I won’t be there
But as she reads, my voice she’ll hear

^That was extremely nice. Really feelin it. Ive been a fan of yours for a while. Youre definately talented. Lookn forward to more from you. Stay up n keep blessin us. Pz

thats basically it.. the poem wasnt abotu him loving her or him killing himself.. it was about him writing for her... hence most of the focus there... but if your wondering what i was thinkin, he had aids and didnt want pity or the temptation or the chance that she could get it... thanks everyone...

Everyone already said what was good on this but I'll go ahead and do it too. When I read stuff like this, then go and try to write, I wonder how in the hell do people get so much emotion with so little words. You did that well here, like everyone already said.

She knows I love her but ill make it clear
With whispery words written in her ear
To sing it to her, I won’t be there
But as she reads, my voice she’ll hear

I know DaGyrl already said this but it's the part I liked too. Good post.