My Name is John...
 

My name's John
-Tik

My name’s John, and I’m an Alcoholic.

Blank stares? They know? But how, who told?
Not old, I’m new; their stare is so cold
Hands clammy and looking for a bottle to hold
Leave the groups; start running… A beer was just sold.

My name’s John, I’ve been sober a week.

Again they stare back, no expression to see.
I’m free, why do they frown? Are they mad at me?
Put hands in my pockets; grip my Keys.
I take off in my car… down a bottle of whisky.

My name’s John, I’m drunk right now.

No one’s around, but I still see their face.
I’m a disgrace, if they’re so mad why don’t they give me space?
I must escape my problems; run like a race
Open the door; I sprint, get lost… “What is this place?”

My name’s John, I’m depressed and suicidal.

This sadness is held over me, it feels so dark.
Like sharks, blades, like teeth, pinch flesh and spark.
Shadows pinch, scared screams like haunted parks.
Grab a broken bottle of beer and start to mark

My name’s John, I’m stuck in purgatory

I’ve been drunk too long; I wasted my life
Endless strife, I failed my kids and my wife
Suicide was my option so I gripped the knife
My name’s John, and that’s the story of my life

up~

Loved it, showing the steps of depression, good shit, too many I's though. Yo come peep my shit aight.

*speechless*

uhhhh....another masterpiece from the one and only......

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn..now this is poetry is all about........unique style....ass vocabs are well used....defnitely flow like water from hoover dam...madd deep concept...good character in the poem..

.....*sigh* great characteristics of a GREAT poem...

i agree that stages of depression can make a good piece

hopin to see more of ur work....
keep droppin!

^thanks boo.. much respect..
up~

*shift 6*

up?

god dammit, a reply would be nice.

Interesting.
I really liked the imagery in the first and second stanzas.... that was strong.
Kinda thought that the whole whisky bit came fairly abruptly but looking back it works... that can happen so quickly...

One thing near the beginning I was having trouble with...

Hands clammy and looking for a bottle to hold
the tranisition from this line to the third line in the next stanza...

Put hands in my pockets; grip my Keys.
I take off in my car… down a bottle of whisky.
the problem I find with it is that I can't see the difference between the first and second time except for the time passed... so the getting of the keys and driving as opposed to the running in the first stanza goes unexplained. It seems to me that it was the agony of the repetition but for effectiveness that would be great if added.
However I do love the juxtaposition of the running to the driving. He was sober when he ran and when he drovbe he drank...
that was marvellous.

Also the fact that John never uses "hands" as a possession of his. he says MY keys, and MY pockets and MY car but not my hands... only hands. I don't know if this was intentional but it comes across as very self-depricating. nice....

For the most part I enjoyed the way the narrative was structured... good job there.
I found that it moved quite fast... If this was unintentional than I'd warn you to look out for it because it is noticeable. However if intentional to give the jumpy and quick effect I 't complain. ...

The reason I put all of this stuff as possible good or bad in is becasue I do not you as a writer so I don't assume things.

You looked to have fallen into a rhyme scheme at the end that could have been more effective.

ANyhow,,, good piece.

Peace

^thank you so much.. some of it was intentional soem wasnt.. ill look out for those problems you saw...
you are one of the best critiques ive seen at rb in a while (besides V, who i hope gives me some feedback...)

^thanks.

Well executed piece...

...really liked the way you got the reader right into the piece...using real vivid imagery and structuring of words...

...very nicely written....superb piece...

..resp...

PS

Could you reccomend Deacon to an Admin to be made a mod of this place?

Cos i aint on here as much as i used to be. And you have other boards to run too. And he could do a good job of this place.

Daaamn pHrantik..Long Time No Peep.
I ran in this thread when i seen you were the author.
This piece was ill. The descriptiveness was just the right amount to put the reader right there. I liked everything building up to the ending and despite the lines about suicide and sadness, i think the

'My name’s John, and that’s the story of my life'

line was the most depressing. Summed up everything to a tee.
Great writes Phrantik. Ill keep my eye out for more from you.
Stay up n keep blessin us.
Pz

^thanks.. check my sig.. im ~*~PURE~*~ now.. woohoo..
ill drop more in a bit! :)

oh and v.. ill get at dig to get deacon in here... ZRB's favorite mod, back at work.. :P