WHile i Was sleeping. Critique, if its wack or not, 1-10 peace
 

WHile at home listening to poetry by BDP
flowing like an ocean sea
on my couch sofa I raise the volume frequency
slowing going to sleep
having the beat rain on me
Inside my dream i discover the theme
of the first song in the LP
Lable PLacing me
on a alley on a street.
Not Elm, wont see Freddy,
less the first name "Crazy,"
and his claws are his feet
ripping the box, imprinting concrete.
IN front of a stage I'm facing
with symmetry to where I'm staying
KRS Speaks, Knowledge Raining Supreme
Scott still alive, in reality died
before paid in full by rakim rhymed
with eric b. on tables supplied
the record that would redefined
how i look at a line.
Larock accompanied by Red Alert
Breakers dancing on a beat
Baambaata took from Kraftwerk
And its where in my dream
Krs revisit the whole scheme of the verse.
of Poetry....well the end of the 3 fifty.
And once its done It was like
an alarm waking from sleep
to a territory of coming to late school,
bus missing from the street felt like a fool,
the yellow cheese gold one, I ignored my future, for a jewel done.

damnnnnnnn man , ,, tell me , why every single newbie has too be whack

lmao!!!!!!

yo yo you are joke your rymes smell of smoke your momma says go to bed cause she is about to give me head!

^^^^^^^^^see ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, man u fuckin newbies need help

splata is in the house reconize and bow to the rap master.

aight.

see i don't need a crew i am just a jew that splatas all the motha fuckin crews make you sick cause you will be sucking my dick

punk

U need to get banned u fuckin son of a bitch ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Splata and Alan is da same fuckin person

Your a fucking asshole..

This piece wasnt that bad lyrically..

You need help structuring your verse..


Try writing like:

blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee...
blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah//
blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee...
blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah blee blah//

Make them even.. It helps flow a lot.

You just need more experience.. Show more emotion, get a bigger vocab..

And you'll be fine.

4 out of 10 on this though.

LOL @ Bash

this piece needs to elevat no doubt--as for nuclear making lines equal? How does this make a poem flow better? People could do that allday and it still would suck. Many of the writtens i do have no particular length per line and flow beautifully. Oh well

-1-

yo dun this needs to elevate alot no doubt,but keep at it and youll get it,anyone thats dissing you or whatever,was bad at somepoint,and now they get comments they ill it goes to their head...dont get disheartened,the more poeple that get into this the better im sayin.if you ever need some help with osme shit jus tsend me a message ill be more then glad to help,even though my shit is strange in itself,but ill help you none the less...ill start a little now,you need to up your vocab seriously,and learnt to spill imagery,everyone likes imagery....and keepng your shit on flow can be hard but after a while itll its easy....for the peice ill give it a 4...you need to keep working on it,but as i said ,just message me im here most days,and i ain tsome cat that jus tpeeps shit and says its ill,ill actually read the shit....

retunr the favour dun on my zions peice.....

reading this polluted my brain cells yo...the fuck was this???you need to elevate a lot dunny...and as far as that fools saying he was the greatest well dunny i dont know where you from but i am welling to bet you the only hip hop head out there to think of such a stupid thing...wahid