verse 1
 

can you give me some feedback before i go any further? , i got the 2nd verse nearly done, just needs some "tweaking"! it might look a little short but i'm intending to do four verse, nearly equal length!

(intro)
this is my life pt2..
what you heard before?
it's only a sample, of my life..
filled with blood, sweat and gore!

yo,
I gotta shout for the ignorant to listen...
Even though I clout, they persistently act like I’m missin...
Boring, humble talk about my heritage – has them pissin (laughter)
When my world starts to crumble, I’ll release my precious ambition...
Where I’m livin, things are starting to rumble, unbearably getting worse...
I’m slowly, sincerely arranging my inevitable date with the hearse...
I think my accident prone life’s, - towin a curse...
Sink to the lowest lever, need to stroke 20 form my moms empty purse...
I’m superficially insecure, wouldn’t be a first, sinning ain’t the cure...
But I understand ignorance and blood thirst is my lure...

This wasnt bad, flowed pretty well to me i didnt think it was anything above average, its pretty short for a first verse, industry standard is 16 bars a verse, there was nothing that really stod out to me as quoteable material, just a lot of truth - such as the twenty from my moms purse, ive felt like that a couple times...ha ha... on the real though, try adding more multi syllable rhyming into this, step the level up, and right now you only have external rhyming ( the last word ) try to use some internals ( so it rhymes at the start of the next sentence ) if you dont get what i mean, i'll try to give an example. Some wordplay would fit nicely into this if you use it in the correct context, it'll lighten the mood a little if you get what i mean, overall it wasnt a bad verse, flow could do with a touch, but like i said, if you add a few internals and get multi's in there, it would sound a lot better, i suggest making it 3 verses each of 16 lines though, it fits better, hopefully this will be made into an audio so we can hear it when its finished.

Sorry if ive been harsh on the critique, but its constructive critisism, i dont mean to be a heter, i just want to help you improve and give you some advice on how to go about it!
Give my piece a reply if you get the time, return the favour type thing. .

Peace!

thanx dawg, i've had alot of critism lately from MC at fiendworld about my rhymes so i tried to abide by "thier rules"..lol

i can do internal rhyming pretty well, so i'll work on this shit and try to make it longer..

thank for the advice, appreciate it!

^ Hey, whats your name at FW?
<------ Bob Afett. lol

same name as here, i don't post that much there!

^ Yeah, i dont post much there either, ive had one battle, half assed the pic tourney - im only really there for the topical league but Dao and Clockwork wanted to collab so i agreed, lol. .

that shit is tasty RT I'm a lil' hungry for some more, I like it the wordplay, bar structure, the story. I'd blaze u on some ill dro if u spit that in front in me!!!!

the words played off each other perfect,use ur wordplay nice like that ur shits hot like that,it flowed nice,keep doin ur thing.1

well you gotta expand on the verse but its got alot of potential. i liked ya rhyme scheme and the flow was good but wit more multies this would be tight as fuck. ya vocab was pretty cool but i think if you put your mind to it it'd come across better wit what you trying to say. ANYWAY CUZ RETURN THE FAVOUR AND CHECK MINE SHINOBI MUSINGS peace

that nice i felt it flow nice work keep elevatin

Chorus was Nice.....Verse wise i thought it was Tight.......I enjoyed readin da verse..........When u make da whole song , Holla at me because I cant wait to read it