Please Peep This And Post...feedback Needed
 

Thru the blackness comes fate


i stand alone, with a million and one followers
we patrol stealthilly to the depths of my balck sould.and onwards
thick tears of pain lash from my elids
quenching my dry skins thirst, my soul still un replenished
not looking down i tredge onwards, slow an steady down one path
knowing farewell and fare warned, im heading towards my black death

fear chokes my throat but i darent let it out
i kno that if i do show it, then i might aswell turn back
mouth closed shut, and my eyes fixed on th blacknesss
i still persue my task, of somehow finding blinding happiness

sometimes a trip but i darent fall flat
for i kno if a fall they will not hesitate to stab me in my back
i am more afraid of my aillies than my own worst enemy
but in times of need like this one. they always come thru for me
this bttle with no warzone and no end is draining
and for some strange reason on the back of my neck i feel deaths grasp is gaining

I say my prayers for an unknows cause, for somereason i feel i must
before something happens to my blackended soul, or before my bones are crushed
one or the other...my heart beats faster out its cge
like a songbird set free since all those years of love cofisuion and rage
i watch it float away in my imagination, before leaving throwing me a scornfull look
and then realise that this is fiction...and my heart still craves the truth
so i plod onwards, searching for answers to a question i do not know
Questions asked in ancient book that withold many stories untold
i cannot see behind me nor infront for the think fog of doubt
u turn back to my fellows to find that they have sinled me out
left me along to head onwards, on my quizzical quest
but ifeel that im getting closer, a sudden urge percieved in my breast
my breath is heavy, my heart beat fast, i feel im comin up to hear truths voice
instead i realise i have reached a cliffs mouth, and am tumbling towards my demise

I jus got off a 12 hour shift, so sorry if this isnt the greatest feedback, but heres my piece

i stand alone, with a million and one followers
we patrol stealthilly to the depths of my balck sould.and onwards
thick tears of pain lash from my elids
quenching my dry skins thirst, my soul still un replenished
not looking down i tredge onwards, slow an steady down one path
knowing farewell and fare warned, im heading towards my black death

Good start. It sounded really good, had a deep feeling. Sorta makes you think about thinks. Good start, good start

fear chokes my throat but i darent let it out
i kno that if i do show it, then i might aswell turn back
mouth closed shut, and my eyes fixed on th blacknesss
i still persue my task, of somehow finding blinding happiness

Liked the first line a lot, because it's true. You cant show your fear. Enemies can captivate on it. friends who turn to enemies can take advantage of it. its important to always be strong. This verse shows yer staying strong. Keeping your head up. Pursuin you goal and not letting anything stop you. Good stuff.

sometimes a trip but i darent fall flat
for i kno if a fall they will not hesitate to stab me in my back
i am more afraid of my aillies than my own worst enemy
but in times of need like this one. they always come thru for me
this bttle with no warzone and no end is draining
and for some strange reason on the back of my neck i feel deaths grasp is gaining

ouch. this was deep, it really gets ya mind goin. I feel exactly like this, most the time neways, i can really relate. Ya never know when you goin to die.... jus gotta keep doin yer thing i guess

I say my prayers for an unknows cause, for somereason i feel i must
before something happens to my blackended soul, or before my bones are crushed
one or the other...my heart beats faster out its cge
like a songbird set free since all those years of love cofisuion and rage
i watch it float away in my imagination, before leaving throwing me a scornfull look
and then realise that this is fiction...and my heart still craves the truth
so i plod onwards, searching for answers to a question i do not know
Questions asked in ancient book that withold many stories untold
i cannot see behind me nor infront for the think fog of doubt
u turn back to my fellows to find that they have sinled me out
left me along to head onwards, on my quizzical quest
but ifeel that im getting closer, a sudden urge percieved in my breast
my breath is heavy, my heart beat fast, i feel im comin up to hear truths voice
instead i realise i have reached a cliffs mouth, and am tumbling towards my demise

Very nice build up. think your finally gettin the answers you might be lookin for, but no. you jus fall further into darkness and mystery. Excellent. Loved the build up there in the last part.

So yea, I really enjoyed this. Keep it coming!

this was crazy, liked everything about it, this was one of the best i read from you. one

This piece was pretty ill...nice drop

thanks guys.......reall appreciate your feedback...uppin

Deep shit. Keep it goin, they're just gettin better every time

:D

"i stand alone, with a million and one followers
we patrol stealthilly to the depths of my balck sould.and onwards"

this was a nice way to start this piece off, the flow not only in these 2 lines but the full verse was hot...

"sometimes a trip but i darent fall flat
for i kno if a fall they will not hesitate to stab me in my back
i am more afraid of my aillies than my own worst enemy
but in times of need like this one. they always come thru for me
this bttle with no warzone and no end is draining
and for some strange reason on the back of my neck i feel deaths grasp is gaining"

this to me is the best stanza, the flow and meaning to this was grade A...it made me really think about the piece as a whole..

keep droppin them like this dawg!

thanks very much.....much apreciated critism...im trying to finally get one of mine in RB legends..dont think its working though lol

^^^^^^^
lol it aint legendary but it sure was ill, u had nice vocab just a few dodgy rhymes and lil repeat but a downer on it but nice worplay and subject matter

Eborteds verdict- B+

well done plz peep this http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...1008#post541008

^^^^^^^^^^DAMN PLEDGE...sick piece am lovin this fosho and this wus the best by far

lol ano it aint legendary material...im wrking on it though..thanks for critism much preciated uppin