is it cool if we kick it
 

I’m thinking of love the way its suppose to be //
A girl n me the bird n beez, its flows like poetry//
Inner beauties free, I aint got time 4 these hoes and skets//
With an Incest personality, to leave my emotions wet //
Feelings over swept, hair smells of a red roses cent//
I need a girl with intellect, and know how to show her best//
We cud roll like Romeo and Juliet; sooner yet//
But we know love is rare like a solar lunar eclipse//
It will be her and me in a relationship//
Love is a game of roulette so place your bets//
If u don’t a girl will walk by and leave u to face regret//
Its amazing stress; butterfly’s got my stomach upset//
Copping digitz from ladies mobile hand setz//
I’m anxious, dis gals got me in a nervous wreck//
But I do show my tense I’m just merged in sweat//
Dis knew luvs got my head heavy like flue bugz//
It true blud, when I saw dis gal it made my nerves hurt//
Watch as her eye are locking me up like murders and perverts//
I disburse verbs , dis gals gottta insane bumper //
And I hope to approach her an exchange numbers//
hit it off with wounders dat enrage thunder//
I’m only young but this the type of gal to have your second name under//:rolleyes:

any thought on how i cud elevate this verse

uppin

any thoughts on dis

Shiznit's thoughts:

Vocabulary- u used like really simple words like regret, upset, number, bumper, etc... if u just might like made these words deeper like...for example.. u can rephrase all these... instead of .."If u don’t a girl will walk by and leave u to face regret" u can say.... "Opportunities would pass down ur way and leave you remorse" <---sounds kinda cliche but it would make some words much understandable ya kno...

Flow- it would be much better if u acknowledge some rhyme scheme cuz sometimes when u write certain lines...it would make it to be readable..i mean when u read it out loud..like u wouldnt be lost..if that makes any sense

Wordplay - u dont really have any words played on here..like u can make some words rhyme in each line so it would sound like ur sayin the same thing over again but ur not...ahhh its confusing but oh well

Content - hmm...when it comes to writing sometimes themes can be thought out a lot but sometimes it would just came in to you ya know...but urs is alright..some are confusing but its ok

OVER ALL - well... a little work thats all...i all of us here are still elevatin ya kno so it wouldnt really hurt you to try a lot a harder...<----i am not being mean :rolleyes:

well..those are some of the thoughts from someone who isnt dope AT ALL *shakes head* ...no need to listen to me tho...hehehe but im just sayin..well wish i could help even a little ..

keep droppin!:rolleyes: