Newbie And His Lyric !!!
 

IM NEW SO HERE'S A LYRIC


as all these other lyricists discuss gun culture/
i form rhyme thats a little deeper, i've formed a verbal sculpture/
that's still capable of putting other battler's in a sepulture(tomb)/
without need of removing firearms from there holster's/
im a wordsmith, english is what i work with, no-one can seize it/
custom's and excise with there dogs search but find jack shit/
and when i cause you wounds and near death you cant treat it/
so many days, sunrays and easy slay's and im not even in my hey-day/
when i write lines, i wont pull no punches or rephrase/
im thouroughbred and i kill these bitch ass strays/
as a matter of 'course', i flow with no remorse/
others are the starter but im the main 'course'/
im a lyricist with dope on freeze,to make you wheeze,i think roll deep are looking for emcee's/

it was okay

metaphors could have been better

the strays line was okay

no similes

multis were present

over all : this post was semi decent

^^^Not Much More Needs To Be Sed

cheers peeps.

yea it was iight needs worked on though

I agree with stelth.. it had flow and some good vocab, meta's were forced.. and I liked the stray line too.. stay up dun, you got mad potential...

not the best but its good none the less, I suppose I would like it if I wasn't reading to that beat in my head. That beat that tells me if stuff flow and in this case didn't tell me. I wouldn't advise making a track off of that unless you made if flow with ease. Good Job though.

cheers people and cheers for the advice

I Could tell You Are New As You Started To Fall Off Just After The 5th Or So Bar...

It Weren't Bad For Your First Drop Here...Better Than Alot Of People's First Drops Ive Seen Here...

Just Read Other Peoples Work And Keep Elevating.. :)

lets go again !!!

i form rhymes up in my cerebral matrix/
that manifest as syllabic spittable ballistics/
you read my lines and understand, me and my lyrics/
are like stephen hawkins and quantum physics/
my formula's complex, highly sophisticated/
and i explode like semtex when detonated/
with lines original its not old shit thats renovated/
my release from 'ill rhymers' was signed and dated/
my tongue moves freely like it was freefalling/
this my devotion my lifes calling, not brawling/
i unleash my rhymes and they wont be caught stalling/
im invincible invulnerable no need for respawning/

straight corney

wow. an interesting change of style
between those two....hmmm...

like demik said. read others, and elevate.

other than that, keep writing and posting.

expect criticism. need help hit me up on aim

sand of night :)

Pretty damn good...you got some serious potentail, dawg...

i am not in high respect but i though it was great. i like the higher level of vocab, a different taste. i could learn a lil from you. thanx

cheers people i tried taking your advice and the 2nd ones better i think. :D