For a Loved One
 

-Verse 1-
i was never the type to bend or pudge/
but now im at home juz craven your love/
told me you didn't like players/
so i re-invented a hole new behavier/
Can i be your night in shining armor?/
I'd die before i let anything harm ya/
Kiss my lips, put my hand your hips/
damn, never thought i cud feel like this/
Were did u come from i never new girls like you cud exist/

-Chorus-
No matter how far i'll make it to you....
i'll ask u to my wifey spend an eternity wit mikey....
just take my hand i'll make it clear..i need u here...

-Verse 2-
Reminicing on our huggin our playin around/
Times when we wud sit an love wut we found/
Pure heart in your chest, u no longer loveless/
i need you around that i do confess/
Sometimes i get out'a line an say some nasty lines/
but u still my wishin star wit that twinkle shine/
Buy you roses an -sutch- i do love u that much/
wen sommin out'a line i'll be your -crutch-/

-chorus-

-Verse 3-
smile for me baby while i take ur picture/
u aint into drugs can i get u some liquer?/
get us into a loven mood a lil quciker/
sure u was wit the hottest guys in town but my muscle tones thicker/
I'd do anything for you love, your sore in my head like a free dove/
dont eveer feel like your tears have to be consealed/
me bein there for u forever is for real/

-chorus-

-Verse 4-
Your parents dont like me, but thats okie/
you make a player feel great in so many ways/
i retired my jersey, cuz ya loves cursed me/
your so scandalous, but at the same time/
you lookin delicious an fine wona stay mine?/
i'll bust verse after verse/
i'll be your love slave/
if you gone that'll be my craddle to the grave, i love you so much babe

a lil sappy but my girl might like it eh wutcha think?

i aint one to put a niggaz shit down...but it needs some work, its strate but its needs more vocabulary

kamunition 100%

Concept reminds me of something LL would write. I like the concept, but I think that the way you put some words together didn't flow well when I read it in my head. (i.e:
Reminicing on our huggin our playin around/
Times when we wud sit an love wut we found/

I read that back again and again in my head and I thought that it would sound much better if you just added 'was' in between 'love' and 'wut.' So, I'd end up like this...

Reminicing on our huggin our playin around/
Times when we wud sit an love 'was' wut we found/

I like the concept. Clean it up a little and you're on to something... Peace...

This is a nice concept, you have the right idea.

Use more sophisticated vocab., and it will help the piece out more than you can imagine.

Improving your bar structure wouldn't hurt either, as I lost the flow in certain parts of this piece. Make the flow more fluid and consistent, by evening out syllables, etc., and it will get better.

Keep workin` and stay up.
1

aiight thanks a lot....if you have any more ideas dont hesitate ta tell me i wonna get better an make a good demo so any advice wud be cool

sounds like you goin through a heartache. it sounds real, but elevate a little, smolder on it before you jot it down. it looks like a rough draft that something good can come out of. you should leave out the liquor/quicker rhyme, it sounds like a dirty old man.

rise baby, rise!

check mines out dawg
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=63290