Haze
 

The darkness surrounds you, a blanket of living will
Demanding you slip away from life with a blue pill
The haze shifts from white to a blinding blue
People begin to waver as they try to talk to you
You sit back in the recliner and let the world just sit
Life becomes a circus of colors from the needle in your wrist
A young girl walks up to you at this rave and gives you a smile
You are no longer a happy person, you are an angry petefile
"Come With Me" you say happily, and give her arm a jerk
In the nearest closest with a blindfold you begin to go up her shirt
She screams from fear and panic and begs for you to stop
But you were gone from the world, being lead by your crotch
With a snap you drop her pants, exposing fresh young hair
She screams and pleads for your mercy, but your mind isnt there
Your mind is on the goal, the prize is between her legs
You drop your pants, boxers too, and force down her head
You try to force her mouth on your penis, her head just wont go
Finally she gives in, but chomps down hard, the blood begins to flow
You scream with red hot pain as the blood flows down your shaft
She turns to run in your time of pain, grab her hair and bring her back
Oh now shes done it, at first you just wanted to feel her soft and tender breasts
But now she had crosses the forbidden line of tyranny, it was time to meet her death
You reach in your pocket and find the tool to end her life
You raise your hand above her chest and plunge deep in a knife
The next morning you were found laying next to her, OD
The ecstacy caught up with you, but this wasn't a dream

up

up

this shit is dope niggas is sleepin cause of the subject but the imagery is incredible thas some respect man but like i sed i kinda shy away from it cause thesubject is soo almost too raw but i respect your abililty many props, 1luv.

Shiznit's Thoughts:

VOCABULARY

>hmmm.. youve thrown a couple of masterful words (i.e. tyranny, recliner, petefile?) thats really good. I mean the way u used the terms slightly reflected the completion of this piece..brilliant!..the fact that you used only subtle words...your words stood out and refined as i read it. The choice of words affects the outcome..and u did good but u couldve put in some more for it to be perfect but either way its brilliant.

FLOW

> line by line..word by word....rhyme by rhyme...it showed that you really make the smooth path of this piece to fit in every letters evenly. When i read it ...it showed how u can just speak every word and not hold out any awkwardess...that was good

CONTENT

>ahhhh the imagery....that definitely is the BEST thing that i can give a 1st price on....i mean the emotions and how the was i read it while putting pictures inside my head...its like im there looking at it and seeing it...Oyr imagination is definitely the best thing in every human being...its free....u can be whatever u want ..u can do whatever u want...u can even see what ever u wanna see and be whenever u want to be...amazing huh??...props for the whole emotional shit goin on...

OVER ALL

>definitely not a worthless read...i liked it

&&thanks shiz i always appreciate ur input...if ya gonna feedback u do it well....ups

yo z im likin ur flow here too, overall i was likin it

ya that was some shit you'd hear on the news, real shit. dark imagery but it makes the world realize how messed up people can be on drugs like E, keep it up cuz

What the fook you doing here?!



But seriously. This was dark realism.

Right from the start it had an essence of extremity. Which you built upon using a kind of real surrealism.

I presume by 'petafile' you mean 'paedophile'.

Well that also bridged another gap. She wasn't THAT young, but young enough for one to be known as a paedophile for 'taking' her.

From there on you went into the more graphic and darker part of the situation. I felt you did that fairly well. Though you could've gone into his and her mentality/emotions a bit more. Still, you'd done that fairly well before (his anyway), and lightly treaded upon with this part.

The turning of sexual desire to death was slightly predicatable. But i felt effective within the context of this piece. And the irony at the end fairly well executed. Once again slightly predictable, but nonetheless effective.

Overall a good, strong piece. In which you weren't afraid to get youir hands dirty. Most people fuck these kinds of pieces up. You did a fairly good job of if though.

..resp...

(shoulda added this to other post but didnt so doing it now) i like ur structure n flow, also ur vocab ur flow was consistant like shiz sad line for line word fo word it was good