broken family
 

ayo i jus came up with this cuz of my family n watchin em
here it goes

In my house bunch o crazy shit alwayz happenin/
my father walkin round jus waitin to give my motha a smackin/

my sistas sellin they bodies not knowin of HIV's/
them bitches always rollin with fake P.I.M.P's/

de lil babies alwayz cryin/
my motha's diein/

my olda brotha's wont do shit, buncha lazy ass fuckas/
all they do is scream, disrespect n pickin up dem hooka's/

then there's my father, a drunk man/
n he still dont appreciate de "family plan"/

so thats y when i grow sum more/
ill get my stuff n hit de door/
cuz like i said b4/

dis family here is broken/
2 late to fix it.....matta of time b4 ill start de chokin/

its y first poetic piece so try to give me tips

aiight uppin/\/\

Shiznit's Thoughts:

its kinda funny cuz i havent been replyin stuff here for awhile now but now i feel like going over the whole board and readin all stuff...so here it goes...

VOCABULARY

>words are very powerful however you execute them. Using them with simplicity sometimes can be perfect but sometimes its just not worth it. You used really simple words that just obviously explain everything. You can try to put in more deep words or throw in some wordplays and metas or just like some idea that ur trying to make the readers understand and comparing it to something interesting..in that way its would be really fun to read.

FLOW

>not really feelin it...because how u used the words and how you structured it didnt really fit in with the direction or just possibly with the whole theme. Try to structure it using rhyme schemes so like every word would be clearly stated as you read it. you can work on it dont worry.

CONTENT

>very emotional but u didnt really put more in it..i mean its just basically saying how u feel..but u didnt explain more clearly about the content itself....sometimes it can be good to reflect it for a sec then try to think of ur emotions then add ur creativity like on how to make it better then apply it by writing ..i think it would help a little.


OVER ALL...

>it wasnt that bad...just need to work on some things. dont be afraid to ask for help...it was nice to read tho...keep trying and ull never know...ur writing better than me..hehe