louise (my first poem on here)
 

As she comes to the doorstep she brushes her hair,
across her face so that no-one will stare,
at the cuts and bruises that she has to wear,
she hides her face as she goes up stairs,
her mum doesnt look as if she cares,
she passes her brothers door on the way to hers
he's wotchin football, chelsea v spurs,
he turns around as she tries to hide
the blood that is on her side,
"who hit you?" her brother cries
"i didnt get hit" she denies
"i fell over" the 13 year old lies,
she limps away into her room,
hoping this abuse will stop soon.

the morning came once again,
but this little girl was still in pain,
she thinks to herself, "how can i love him if he does this to me?"
"ive known him all my life, hes not how he used to be"
she decides to get up and ready for school,
even though she still loves him, she thinks shes a fool.
first she gets dressed and then brushes her teath,
she puts make-up on, the cuts underneath.
she has some toast, and then some more,
then walks out of the fronte door,
she doesnt say bye to her family
shes still got those cuts, what if they see?

while she is in school she starts to think,
she stares at the wall without a blink,
she could fly away if she had wings
she decides she has to change things
so after school, on that day,
little louise went a different way,
when she got home she found some rope
poor little louise had given up hope,
she tide the rope to a tree,
after this, she thought she'd be free,
she tide it to her neck, and jumped,
now the blood in louise's body, no longer pumped.


tell me wot u think plz peepz.

dawg that was good, i think you coulda made it a
lil more deep and felt but in other words it was good

thanx, i see wot u mean about makin it a little more deep, just wait for my lext 1 lol

I felt you started off well. Using a certain amount of simplicity, you explored the 'subject' well.

But then, the last stanza was just off. I felt you should've explained the situatin further before she hung herself. Gone more in depth, instead of suddenly going to it.

...resp..

By the way:

If you want more replies, you should reply to others. North Wales? Heh. Some great views though. You speak Welsh?

Shiznit's Thoughts:

The introduction set the whole scene straight and just started the story using plain refined words. As i read it..i actually liked the dialogue along the lines. It made it sort of unique at some points.

The essense of terminology didnt quite work out that well but u make it a point that ur trying to put in more to make it understandable. If you couldve throw in a couple of deep words here and there..that might be better.

The flow and rhyme scheme was alright..some lines just actually didnt fit in at some parts but some made it through. nice job.

The content was very emotional but the fact that ive read some similar stuff that ended to death is sorta getting too typical for me. but its fun reading this.

varentao - no, i cant speak welsh, and i live in the part of wales where there aint really much to see lol thanx for ur comments, ill take them into account in my next poem.

Shiznit's - thanx for that, i thought that some parts of it didnt fit properly aswell, can i ask sumink? how u come up with things like "the essence of terminology"? thats well good, i would love to use words like that wen i talk.

ShizNitz : : Your right totaly!

Assid Rane : : Personaly overall view i thought it was spot on dawg.......... Again some lines/words didnt seem correct and there are more suitable words to use, but i enjoyed reading it, i am looking forward to see what you come up with next.

Peace Out!

thanx m8, i apriciate it, the next 1 will be better bud

This Was An Okay Read But Rather Simple..
Some More Wordplay May Have Made
It More Interesting Or Stand Out From
The Millions Of Other Writes Like This.

You Might Agree Or Disagre But You
Could Have Made This A Lot Better
If You Let The Descriptive Part Of You
Coincide With Your Lyrics..It Didnt Show
Up Here But It Wasnt Bad

Peace