check this out
 

my life used to be of no pistols some cain
it was kinda strang, it effected my brain
it left some stains left me straind
now that ive changed, im sorta deranged
im glad im outa the game, but now
it seems im drivin down a one way lane, the worng way
im goin nowhere, real fast
shouled i start again and pick up a blast
pick up my drugs and my cast
cuz now im called a lunitic
and people dont understand the reasons behind it
how i can think nonscensly real quick
how im riding real slick, wit a plastic pick
cuz my hairs gettin real thick
i wanna hear my hearts final tick
i wanna see my brains final flick
cuz my minds kinda sick, and i wanna see my eyes wick
get blown out and then im out
and my mouth wont open to shout
so my ears stop hearin cuz theres nuttin to hear
arms stop movin i start to think i didnt drink enough beer
my bloods stopin my hearts stopin
i didnt think ide be shot dien on a curv 'n
damn man, im still a virgen

kinda simple but its okay, with practice ya vocab you use in ya rhymes will naturally grow. work on the ending of ya songs. its always important to go out with a bang. keep postin and doing ya thing. PEACE

you neeed some work dawg...... but lookin back at when i started...... you doin aiight..... keep workin man.... practice makes perfect.... well almost

O.k, I Don't Really Want To Do A BreakDown Because It'd Come Out Negative so...

Work On Your Vocab. THis Was A Simplistic Piece. Vocab Helps Complexiate (is That A Word?) Your Bars, It Shows That You Have A Good kNowledge, That You Understand. Lines Like "cuz now im called a lunitic
", Change IN to,,,"Currently im called a Deranged Amniotic lunatic" - Weak EXample, But You Get The Idea.

This Is The Type Of Structure I See Alot Of herbs Using, 10-15 Bars in A Freestyle Form, Try To Structure It More Like A Song, With Stanza's etc, Read My Tutorial In The Tutorial Forum.

Keep At It, It Took Me About 9 Months To Start Elevating Dramatically, Now Look Where I am, Keep Writin'. Hope To See You Elevate Soon!