First time Freestyle) Poem
 

WHERE WE'RE AT
I looked into her eyes and I saw her mind's eye
staring back into mines
she looked like she had something to kept hidden
but there was nothing to find
she insisted my interest was non exclusive
as well as the moonlight
all was faded
no facts were stated
we just whispered empty promises into the wind
whisked away like worries in times of a greater anticipation such as the time and hand
we made plans never to be kept
mutual respect set at the bare minumum
our love was a pendulum
swaying steadily although forced
blown off course of course
couldn't navigate
no use for directions we didnt know where we were going
and now wer'e there

this was just off the top of my head, i don't do all that much poetry, any constructive feedbak would be appreciated, thanks

The most constructive feedback I could give anyone is to simply throw away all conventions of previously believed thoughts and build from there.

That in essense is freestyling. The only thing I can say to you is to keep that in mind when you're writing things out with a plan and not making it up as you go along. You may even be suprised at what you can accomplish.

~Shalom~

read dis plz!

Yeah, this was a freestyle alright. I dunno, you say you don't to that much poetry, so all i can say is i appreciate when people do this. But it seems to me like though you sat down and started typing off the top of your head (i apprciate that art when done sparingly..) but then you tried to control it slightly (which i can also appreciate) but not too well.

Still, i can see a good writer in there. And it did have some good moments, both here and there, and overall (when you dig a bit, emphasis on BIT!)..

..resp...

thanks for the feedback verentao, it means a lot coming from you. I've read some of your stuff and It's damn good to say the least.

I like the honesty in your post, you never claimed to be a poet, you just let the words flow. Can't be mad at ya for that. Raw emotion should never be confined, when you have an urge to release, there is no set structure to follow or emulate. Just put them thoughts down with honesty, the rest will follow. Don't bother yourself with style and structure yet, until your comfortable with your abilities, then you can style swap. I think for a first time peotic freestyle you did great. Area's of you piece reflected this, keep dropping. It can only help you elevate your RAPs at the same time... Might as well , cuz everyone here can be better than they are today, yes everyone...

i couldnt have said it better bounce i totally agree with em 2%

damn youve been free post'n everywhere haven't you b-squared

Yeah, this was a freestyle alright. I dunno, you say you don't to that much poetry, so all i can say is i appreciate when people do this. But it seems to me like though you sat down and started typing off the top of your head ~Varento~

Your First Line Would Sound Better
Reworded But Its A Freestyle...Right?....

whisked away like worries in times of a
greater anticipation such as the time and hand
we made plans never to be kept
mutual respect set at the bare minumum

~Speaking As A Smart Individual..Well Appreciated And Real~

This Was A Decent Script Here..Please Be Respectful
And Reply To Those Who Have Shown Interest In Your Work.

thanks for the feedback, I appreciate your honesty. In terms of what could have been worded better, I see what you mean and I might of changed that had the words not been literally spilling out onto the page

Thanks for the compliments Content Flowz, I'm glad you enjoyed it
plz comment on my other piece here:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=69573