True baller
 

Dis is my first peice.................

Blowin up gym halls

Reducin u to tears when ur girl calls

Me instead of u on the ride back home

I got too many girls on ma mobile phone

Life as a kid is to good to short live

Sex before marriage is my incentive

Give props to the true ballers in the game

Know real struggle an pain, eventually reaps fame

When Im single all I want is one girl to call my own

As soon as I get her I wanna be alone

Never satisfied with what I got, so I keep striving

In search of contentment till the day that im dying

I don’t wanna live fast an die young

I wanna live fast and die old so I get more things done

I need a thrill, `s why I ride, ride, ride

Solo in ma lo-lo, keep ma stereo up high

Though loose with shaky foundations and at times a bit too 'blah'.

I actually ended up liking it, for what it was. A first time piece that is simple, strong and the way you wrote it is kind of in the essence of what you were writing it about...

...nice start. But to build upon this, i suggest you compress a bit better by putting more meaning in smaller amount of words. Try and stay away from cliches when possible (nothing wrong with them when used sparingly and with meaning to the piece)..and er...well start off with that for now (sorry if that sounded patronising)..

..resp..

what did you steal that from a Jay-Z B side?
I doubt there was a drop of honesty Im that
You can spew that I'm hard wannabee gangsta shit in a battle
but when you come into the poetic scriptures forum your not fooling anyone

P.S. This kids only 14, the only thing he can "ride ride ride" is a bike. So lo in my lo-lo YEAH RIGHT
This belongs in a comedy forum, not a poetry forum

^^Make no judgments. I don't know him, so got to presume it is what it is. I know parts of it are most likely untrue or over-done...but hey, many people do that.

As i said, i aint here to read people's pieces with cynicism. It's too trivial to me.

Oh, and don't turn this into a 'hate' thread. That's directed at both of you.