[Temporary]..............advise need pls!
 

i jus finnished editing this but i aint sure if it needs mo work to it and i need to think of a hook. so any critical advise or anything would b apriciated........


In ma words I express tha way I’m feeling,
but in words I cant explain how I’m dealing/
I get annoyed coz ma prospect is unexpected,
I toyed wit normal life, n it iv rejected/
Will ma ability wit words be detected,
or I jus a tragic fanta-sist getting objected?/
people say you can do it, tha skies tha boundary,
ex-cept ma weather conditions are cloudy /
dis pressure got me trip trip tripping,
n I seize it but it keeps slip slip slipping/
is it doable to hold something that’s not real?,
possible to touch it if I don’t feel /
I try not to take much to heart,
its hard when your throwing text like a dart/
crushing ma chest I ask tha voices to shut up,
tryna push ma cart off track but I get up/
I was at tha part when it was questions I lack,
I know dem, now all I ask is feedback /
I would quiz tha man above, but is he true?,
I’m sharing ma view, n writing helps ma moods/
but dis whole trend is only temporary,
n ill prob end up working ina cemetery /
so nun of dis shit will mean shit to me,
“ima b a rapper!” yo I’m thinking crazy/
212 words

It seems like I only exist to most of you,
Is when your stitched then you choose/
to need a fool to suite your deceitful tone,
but I’m just there so you wont be alone/
I didn’t moan bout your plans I went along,
I was small then now I’m grand and strong/
I couldn’t recognize features that people comprise,
apart from the side that wouldn’t tell lies/
tricked into thinking and id stay believing,
forgot that your selfish twofaced and deceiving/
confusion got me wondering who tells tha truth,
bust ups only finish in losing your tooth/
but become fucked up and you loose your youth,
quit why you can and fix what screw you got lose/
who will you choose when I’m not there?,
I was handing you my soul coz I fort you would care/
demanding you were in control over you and me.
not understanding me as I was temporary/
I need time to change but time isn’t in ma range,
rearrange ma frame fed up of shit being tha same/
I gotta learn how to fly wit out wings,
Gotta take turns to tackle tasks tha day brings/
And keep in mind dis time its only me in this game,
Don’t trust no one besides their name/
212 words



peace

dis pressure got me trip trip tripping,
n I seize it but it keeps slip slip slipping

~Trip Trip Slip Slip Chops Up The Flow~

I was at tha part when it was questions I lack,
I know dem, now all I ask is feedback /

~A Tad Of Wordplay...Make Yourself Stand Out And Say Things
Like Nobodyy Else Would Say Them To Not Sound Like Everyone~
~This Is Good So Far...Some Words Taken Out Will Make It Flow
Smoother Through And Through~

~Is Your 212 Words Significant..Or Are You Just Keeping Track?~
~Your Second Verse Is Much Better Than Your First~

~Overall This Was A Decent Read The First Verse Could Be Revised Some For Your Future Song...Keep Elevating~

You Do Not Have To Do This But To Make Eachother Better
In This Forum We Need Feedback As Well ( Everyone )
Im Not Saying Hey Lookatme! And Im Not Expecting A
Lengthy Reply Either....Just Give Others Feedback
As Well Because Nobodys Perfect

Peace

aight cheers fo tha feedback.i get wot ur sayin ill give sum otha ppls feedback to. much love
peace~roX~

hey lil roxy...I agree with content about the first verse..but the second was much better...I liked it though..Keep it up...

peAce