Phrases Of My Life
 

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...0080#post680080
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...0085#post680085

Saying so many words, words of abstraction, words like songs/
They twist around the truth and are used to evaluate the world/
Judgement of the kindest of humans, hero worship goes unpunnished/
But even the greatest of heros has the right to feel the pain from within/
Finding yourself unable to cry, left dried of emotions, withered of thought, and frail in mind/
Souls merge on common grounds, lush with green and watered with tears/
Helping each other to examine out thoughts and to get rid of the lifeless ones/
These common grounds are dark, but we travel on them any way/
The air fells like water, soothing the anger from our faces/
Abandoned by society and disgraced by our own families and friends/
The body longs for a break from it's harsh ruler...the mind/
With loneliness wrapping around me and anxiety distressing me/
I feel defenseless against a monster of desire, I feel wounded, but still unable to cry/
A heart chewed by shame, darkened with all the hatred of life/
But this has dulled me, thoughts turning rusty, soul without feeling/
Numb to the world I walk in an unending death, but its a problem easily solved/
The gun solves it all just a shot to the head, the bullet dancing through the chamber/
Bringing me to salvation and a better, happier life/

Ummmm, this piece kind of confused me a little. I wasn't really sure where you were going with the concept, but nonetheless, there was some really vivid imagery and beautifully written lines:

>Souls merge on common grounds, lush with green and watered with tears/

>The body longs for a break from it's harsh ruler...the mind/

I enjoyed reading it. ALso,
I saw in your reply to someone else's piece, you were kind of critical of their flow, n cuz of that I thought you would be a little more structured with your rhyme scheme,but this came out fine..Then again I havent read much from you so i dont know your style yet..

anywayz, nicely written.
stay up.
pz

werd thnx.....naw i don use a rhyme scheme in any of my pieces

i forgot ta add somethin.....this was just me sittin there writin down cool phrases an then i put them all together into this so it may seem kinda weird

aight once again u proved to me tha u r a damn good writer this should b an audio

FLOW it was good had structre always important but i wasnt feeling it in spots it seemed as tho it skipped around ther

WORDPLAY/VOCAB it was good u used strong words to show powerfull emotion but didnt overkill it but to me u underkilled it in some spots like the emotion you had seemed to fade out a lil bit but then iit came back i see the u rnt goin for rymes but tha u are goin with thoughts and emotions wqhich is not only creative but it is also uniuqe not many do tha

TOPIC it was a good choice but unlike your other pieces this topic is rarely used so u scored more points there u kept on topic well u didnt stray between 2 of them or get off track much it had structure and creativity and aslo complexity u hit all 3 of the major areas ther

OVERAL
9/10


...resp...

LoL hey man thnx for the feed

up

come on don sleep plz!

:( 2 replies????

that the best i get :(

so i guess its common to only get 2 replies to these things huh?