BEEF, short peice i wrote, tell me how to improve
 

if ya peep this jus tell me how i can improve and shit, thanx and respeck to ya all

beef

im at ur mamas house wit out no hesitatin
walk through the door ill start the duck-tapin
leave ya shook, bare house stole all of ya bookes
ima crook, and back, theres no reason to look
cuz i took, the long way home, carryin many bags
lifes a drag, and ur blood can be wiped with a rag
cuz noone cares about me or about u
nuttin in this world is real nor true
i left ya in my trunk, sitten on the corner with my crew
anyways one last deed and this life of crime is through
vocabulary is young, so is my skin, soul seems old, like its 40 yrs in
but im 15 and i got u stuck on the realness, the infamous kin
im in and out with no hesitation, that only leads to incarceration
with the crimson eyes i got, me and the devil? thers no relation
all the enemies left memorys so i thats why i keep up the chasin
the pain is like an over the counter drug, no prescription
slice ur wrist, im the louder thug, ill leave no description
this is beef man, u start i end, u loose i win

Nuthin majorly wromg here for a new g,jus work on multi's wordplay and vocab,stay up u'll improve dawg.

peace

thanx man, yo ide like some more feedback on this peice, thanx

1

im still lookin for feedback, really need some help, tell me how to improve

uppin

basically ur flow was solid and wasn't completely wack...but I think for one you should improve the complexity of your multis...instead of "look, book, crook, shook" all in one line...yea those are multis but you should use longer syllables like "read ya book, deceive ya looks, you seeds are shook," u know what I'm sayin? I mean not sayin those were GOOD examples or anything but that's the basic point lol....

also...try to use more metaphors...instead of saying "your blood can be wiped with a rag" you coulda said "like a pussy on it's period, ya blood can be wiped with a rag"....once again, not saying that it's a GOOD example...but it gets the main point...instead of straight up saying something give it a little more cleverness...anybody can say "I'ma shoot you up" but not everyone would say "I'ma shoot you up like a heroine needle" you feel me?

and finally..try to improve your vocabulary...just using small words CAN work for audio heads if you have an ill delivery, but if your gonna be doin text and only text then you need to improve your vocabulary..not saying turn every verse into a dictionary...but put more intelligence into it...listen to some canibus tracks...chino xl..kool g rap..hell even Eminem..and instead of listening to the beats and how they flow over it, listen to how they rhyme, how they word things, how they diss other emcees...all that shit will help you out I PROMISE....

hope I could help a little...

peace