Love Lost - Sureal and Shiznit
 

[Sureal]
Are You Mad At Me Today, Will You Love Me Tommorow?
The Words You Uttered Yesterday, Left Me In Sorrow..
The Love Was Plentiful, Always There To Comfort Me..
Did You Ever Think Of My Feelings?, Will I Agree?
Aimlessly Wandering Searchin' For A Greater Love..
You Changed Your Life, You Are Now Floating Above..
I Sit In The Corner OverRun By Emotional Fatigue..
We Were Close,I Loved You,You Never Had Time For Me..
But It Is Now Over, No Me For You, Nor You For Me..
No Maybe Tomorrow, No Future, No Other Place to Be..
For Now My Life Is Shaken, My Heart Is Over-Taken..
No More Love, No More Friendship, For You Are Forsaken..
Greaters Power Of Love In Our Souls Will Now Transmit..
Now To Open Your Eyes To This, Please Take Over Shiznit..

[Shiznit]
Called Direct On The Phone, Left You a message
"What went wrong with us? Enlighten me an image."
For ages ive been lost, Thought I found my way
Stay with you forever and tell me I scared you away?
Untolerable flaws i put up with, Just for Love
Obviously pulling straws out my cups.Just Never Enough.
Caught myself daydreaming of endless happiness
Try digesting everything from pains to weaknesses
Devotedly adore this feeling as best as i can
But crumpled like a piece of paper threw outta hand
Confusions on my mind had me thinking alone
Time would heal every wound. I have to move on.

Yo...mad skill shown in both of these verses...sureal, shiznit, yall
definately got mad talent. and when the both of u came together,
dope. good job. i liked the words, the subject, everything. 9.5/10

overall this was an excellent piece from 2 of the best on RB...

both sides came extremely good and both kept my interest throughout..i feel that this piece was the perfect length for an open mic so interest is never lost...


i feel that Shiznit was just a tad better than Sir Eel on this though...but both shined throughout.

9/10

dope..that is amazin shit..good job

How About SomeOne Actually Critiques This...

Yeah. . Sureal, you wrote an ok verse, did what needed to be done with the topic - but the whole 'Love' thing has been done a million and one times over, and the the reason most try to stay away from this subject, is that you need to come up with something completly dope or a new twist to make it stand out at all, and as this stands, it didnt have either. Your verse had the emotion there, but some of the rhyming scheme was basic and lacked multi's here and there that would of made the flow better if worded in correctly. The piece held my attention, although, it was choppy throughout, thats the whole point ofg internals, to make sure the flow isnt choppy between bars. . Shizit came better than i expected at first, nice word choice and writers voice, again, she did good with the emotional aspects of the piece but lacked as far as internals and multi's that would of helped the piece a lot if they'd been added.

Sorry for pointing out the bad points, but it needs to be done in order for you to build o it, if i just said "This was dope" neither of you would know where you were going wrong or what you needed work on, i actually did like this piece and thought you did well with such a played topic, but you asked for critique so ehhhhh, dont bitch at me now!

Reply to my piece when you get time- its up there somewhere. .

Of course constructive critism is always welcome. ;)


I have to really fix my web broswer because it wont let me stay online for 5 straight minutes. There's always gotta be something that it would do in order to the "Cannot Find Server" window to appear on my screen. I really wanna read the new open mics that are up right now but i always type my critism directly on this so if it happens that i have typed a long ass reply and i would hit Submit Reply then came that window again i would be really pissed.

In short. Thanks. I know the whole Love Theme is played out and ive seen a lot of writings and theories about it but this piece was actually a quick one. Sureal just had something on his mind then he asked me if i would collab with sorta like that theme and it was done really quick so we never really thought of like being creative and shit...

But thanks again for the critique. ;)

oh and yeah il reply to some open mics soon as i fixed this.

Rhyming/Flow
Both Your Flows Were Silky Smooth, You Had No Choppy Bars In There Whatsoever, Props for That.
Surreal Exzelled With His Innteral Rhyming, You Made Good Use Of This To Keep It Upbeat n' Goin': "For Now My Life Is Shaken, My Heart Is Over-Taken..
No More Love, No More Friendship, For You Are Forsaken.." - That Was Nice There.

Skiznit:, Your Flow Was A Little Weaker In Some Points, However It Was Still Tight, But You COuld've Used Some INternals, But As I said, It was Good... 8/10

Vocab/Wordplay
You Both Used Some Mad Vocab In here, Y'all Used Expressive, Deep, Warm full, Phrases n' Words To Really Touch Us With What You Were Tryin' To Get Across. Two Past LOvers, Moving On In The World/ I Think The Whole Piece Was Summed Up Expertly But Shiznit With Her Line: "Time would heal every wound. I have to move on.".....9/10

Concept/Topic
You Right About His Topic Been A Bit PLayed OUt, But When You Can Relate To It In Your Own Way, And Say The Things That You Feel, Then Who cares If It's Been Used Before, Y'all CReated It To Your Liking And You Life..Big props..9/10

Overall
9/10, We Should See More Of The "heavyweights" If You Will, Coming Together More, Cos As We can See FRom THis piece, It Certainly Pays Off, You Both Had Straight A+ Verses, Hope Too See More Things LIke This In Future..

Word!