Blind...Feedback
 

All about i but not seeing the truth of his persona,
In a comer of wasted time tryna rhymes predator/
Pretender of what reality is and blurrin the picture,
So sure that he is dope but their hopes that minature,
Chances be like Jonney Vegas bein prime minister/
Occurin decisions not registerin in the mind like browser,
Over-looking the situation cuz images of a big bawler/
Crawlin through his mind blind to see the light,
Eclipsed visions of how to write but aren't right/
No fright cuz he's more cocky than a male porn star,
Fatal decisions slump more than his cred for bars/
Never parred cuz he's a snot nose kid wantin fame,
Needs another qaurter cuz this to him is a game/
Con-souled playin his life with the controller in his hand,
Not known it's himself never add-a-lesson never a man/
Bland like a diabetics diet cuz he ain't in-greed-of it,
Thinks he's got it all but all peeps to him are disobediant/
Immediately when questioned found guilty of snobby,
Known nothing else in life to say he's better than everybody/
When really he's owned and can only free himself,
No help can sort his dilemma of power but himself/

oNe...hOlla

hOlla

crit me so i can elevate...oNe

tight verse, flowed nicely though although it drifted a tiny bit in places, gud punches, keep it up (from uk as well)

I DONT SEE WHY THIS GET SLEPT ON IT WAS A REAL SOLID PEACE I LIKED IT FROM THE GATE TILL THE OTHER SIDE LOL THIS ISH WAS NICE TWIN

thanx...hOlla

Hot shit Pot1~

Liekd this...good vocab and structure...flow was good..keep elvating boi

Where you reppin TIC without a sig...get yo ass a sig boi!!


haha return the feedback

u came wit nice complexity and creativity alotta imagery as well

keep up the good work indeed get ur crew sig lol

Thanx...hOlla

some of the lines had no bridge rhyme.. like they seemed to just be randomly placed...

"All about i but not seeing the truth of his persona,
In a comer of wasted time tryna rhymes predator/"
^ if there was a bridge there I couldn't see it.. if it's persona an' comer it isn't enough of a bridge, doesn't sound right, you should've rhymed something with predator..

"Crawlin through his mind blind to see the light,
Eclipsed visions of how to write but aren't right/
No fright cuz he's more cocky than a male porn star,
Fatal decisions slump more than his cred for bars/"

^ I liked those bars... went a'ight, flow coud've been better, but it was good still...

I find your main problem is rotation of a beat... (FLOW)... every beat has a general 1-2-3-4 rythm, there is usually 1 or 2 emphasysed beats within that 4... usually on 1 or 3... or both... listen to the snare kicks in a beat an' write to that.. on the more "umph" sounding kick is where you put the rhyme sound...
if you have a faster style, then the beat varies.. there's inbetweens it goes up to 16 syllables.. for every snare or every inbetween you need to have the right sound an' # of syllables... sorry if that wasn't really clear, but it's the best I can explain it in text.. 1

you had some good ideas