Hard Times
 

TELL ME IF YOUR FEELING ME


IM STRECHING, AND YAWNING WITH BLACK BAGS UNDER MY EYES IM SO TIRED IM FALLING
MY STOMACH GROWLING BUT FAR FROM HUNGRY
I SWEAR THE FIRST TIME I MET CRYSTAL I KNEW MY LIFE WOULD GO THREW DISMISSLE.
AROUND NOTHING BUT TRAGIDY, HARD TIMES GOT ME ALMOST LOSING MY FAMILY
EVERY ONE THAT I SEEM TO LOVE SEEMS THAT I GOT THEM ALL MAD ME
IVE BECAME A CHANGED PERSON EVERY SINCE WE ME MET AND SINCE THEN I SEE MYSELF GASPING MORE FOR BREATH

Hm... not feeling it. But not in a bad way, don't get me wrong. I dunno if it was on purpose or what, but the all caps deal rubbed me the wrong way. So did the entire lack of format.

But looking past that, which I did, I read the words you wrote. It was good stuff, but it kind of gave me the feeling of being left off at the end. Like it aint finished or something. I dunno if it should be longer or what though.

~Shalom~

The basis of the idea seemed good enough.

But you controlled the emotinos too much when they shouldn't have been. And then at times allowed emotions to get the better of the way you put parts together.

Also didn't seem compressed enough. Loose and untidy. Yet the raw effect that can sometimes bring, didn't come off too well.

I could see the emotion in it, it was bursting to get out. But you didn't quite release it often enough.

...resp...

PS

Necro - could the woman be the universe, and god be the man injecting life into it. Universe gives birth?! Heh....(!)...

HMM MAYBE IF I ARRANGE A LIL DIFFERENT BUT STICK TO THE TOPIC GIVE ME TIME AND I GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT.
THANKS FOR PEEPING IT I GIVE YOU MORE HINTS ON WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT

i could see some emotion in it, but you gotta give it some more feeling, use all your senses hun, it'll add more lines and make it come alive, make it so we almost can feel ourselves there with you experincing exctaly what your going throu. it did feel kinda cut off at the end, but thats not always a bad thing leave it for ppl to guess. Post it up once you've written over again, its a good piece, but you can take it further, so lets see it, im watching for it
peace

Cool thanks for the support . Ill try that give it a lil more feel in it express myself more