Distress Call (Need feedback PLZ)
 

Distress Call

Fertalized egg by one mistake
A foolish game should've never been played
The consequences never to be paid
A life taken by the devil himself
Like a miss placed item on top of a shelf
A helpless embryo with somewhere to go
A path to follow, struggles unknown

Crushed by complications
Surrounded by insulation
Like a piece of glass
Inside all the 'pane'
She trys to get away
Like running a race
There is no one to chase

Her dreams disappear
Like black cats in the night
Stuck in a maze
But there can't be a fight
The alcoholic parents
The ones that never cared
Send her fears straight into the air.
Like a lighting strike in the sky
A deep thought crosses her mind.

Her name in a dictionary
Because her life is so 'defined'
It can't be replaced
For she is the scuicidal kind

Desperatly wanting help
She steering for the edge
Wishing she had success
Before she puts herself to rest

Embrassed in her disgrace
She lives life without a trace
Bowing her head to cover her face
Embarrassed by her shame
She lives on with a her name
To start a new game


Distress Call

It was alright, youngin'. Nice point. Keep doing ya thang.

Re: Distress Call (Need feedback PLZ)
 

^^that was word-play lol, good job hun, need to elevate a bit, work on the flow, but otherwise keep it up, you'll get up there...

I promise to get to this with full quotes...

Kind of busy ATM..

Edit with a reply later..1ne

uppin............................................. .................................................. .......................................

this was good, i like the way you rhyme,
lookin forward to seein more from you
keep droppin
peace

Ma, I'm not giving feedback as a "rap" b\c this was more a poem and deserves to be in the Poem forum... it'll get a lot more love in there..... as a rap=wack&garbage... but as a poem= very nice

keep writting ma.....

yea i agree with meta 5
in a poem way it was awsome
but in a rap way it wasn't that great
but i liked it
good job baby

Uppin............................................. .................................................. ......................................

there right you seem to be mainly poetic so your shit should be in tha poetic scriptures forum.this was an ill poem keep doin ya thang.peace baby girl.

uppin............................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..............

i was feelin it. the wordplay was good, as was the vocab, the content and topic were original. keep postin and elevatin cause i enjoyed readin that.

peace.....

yeah, this was good, and the first thing i thought when i read it was: poetry. i think meta 5 was being hard sayin it was garbage as a rap, but you need to work on the flow and it will work nicely, keep droppin. Peace

pretty poetic yeah...
I was feeling it...
a bit basic but thas cool...
I was feeling your flow... some parts flowed better than others though...
and I got respect for your topic here...

"Fertalized egg by one mistake
A foolish game should've never been played
The consequences never to be paid
A life taken by the devil himself
Like a miss placed item on top of a shelf
A helpless embryo with somewhere to go
A path to follow, struggles unknown"

^I had to keep reading after this point... loved your intro girl...
Keep it coming... lol...

-1-

dont make polls for open mics, they arent allowed.
if you like, simply re-post this piece in a new thread, but dont add a poll.

[ Closed ]