Venom
 

openin the note book to go to heavon...
jotten words down wit a lil dope venom...
Make you a lil wurry if you ever read em...
Wut i say on a mic is not pretending...

R-U-L-E...Restricted Underground Lyrical Epic the kid who's words spoke the unexspected/
Pravoked by others but i finally over came my fears an let my thoughts on a mic be ejected/
Told i could never write something an have people say its hot but they had my mind misdirected/
Mind praying i cud be dope write summin an leave you stoked prove wut im sayin isnt alwez a joke/
simplicity prevailed but still on the rail ahead on the trail killin you mind handicape slow pokes/
Twisted head like i was caught in a tornado thrown of my talents then ran to the ghetto/
Home alone so i opened my book wrote a lil verse then enhanced my own typ'a flow/
Imagin myself in'a cage cuz im'a beast on this page talkin bout how i was never raised/
Turned to lyrics cuz i craived the talents of platinum rapper so i learned how to settle an behaive/
Think i was i bee, proveken me wud get u stung forced lyrics but still sound hot as they come/
so when you open your mouth an try an diss me think bout who rappen like a loaded gun/

openin the note book to go to heavon...
jotten words down wit a lil dope venom...
Make you a lil wurry if you ever read em...
Wut i say on a mic is not pretending...

Call me a snake cuz my venom from the pen who given even the devil a scare/
Free shooten a mind bullet known as bomb war on this pad i declare/
who wud'a new even the kid known as rule cud take you to school/
Open Mics Twisten your insides out maken your out sides dangel its that cruel/
Sit back an relax will never happen im'a known disaster to fear'd to even go in fear facter/
Crackin ya thoughts like a chyropracter you cudnt make an atheltic rap ya minds a slacker/
Attacker on the ryhme book reversen hooks leaven you shoock juz take a good look/
at what im written down it cud have a def man finally be found of'a known sound/
i cant lose a fallen angle a god send gifted to the pen i'll say it again/
the pen is my best friend it shoots out snake venom leaven death in tha best of them/
over comen anything in my path leaven you wip lash from a lyrcal mind crash/
free shooten wit this tongue the pen my holly son this games now in'a smash/

openin the note book to go to heavon...
jotten words down wit a lil dope venom...
Make you a lil wurry if you ever read em...
Wut i say on a mic is not pretending...

UPPEN i want feed back

Uppen for some feed back peace

Uppen for the 3rd time some1 respond an tell me wutcha think peace i wud apreciate it

Uppen for some feedback

nice flow nigga i really liked yo stuff. yo vocab dropped off toward the end but other than that yo shit was sweet

^Word, nice drop.

Return the favor by hitting this up with a vote:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=79214

iight n/p..thanks ye all peace uppen

^ Dont Up This Piece That many Times Again, Simply Reply To Other Peoples And Ask Them To Reply To Yours. J-Dubya - Your Going On The Moron List. .


Ok, onto the piece, the flow was a little hard to catch as i read this, the bars were too long and without many internals and multi's, i struggled to catch on to the flow of this. Content wise i thought this was decent, i liked how you spelt out what R.U.L.E stood for, i actually was feeling the second verse the most from this piece, it seemed to connect more with the title than the opening verse did, the hook was decent, although, i dont see the point writing a hook unless its for an future audio. Basically, shorten your bars a little, add more internals and multi's, you should have a problem with creativity, try to make your pieces a little more original, write something that will hold the readers attention, not just generic stuff.

In a word: Elevate.
The potentials there but you have a long way to go my man.

Eace-Pay!

u had a good concept, nice floe
vocab waS HOT

iight thanks camerac peace...

ok, to be honest, the size prob puts people off, if you gonna write i would make it 16 bars, or a full 3 verse song but thats just what i think:

ok, personally, i felt it had good content, but the length of the lines was a lil over board, i mean:

R-U-L-E...Restricted Underground Lyrical Epic the kid who's words spoke the unexspected/
Pravoked by others but i finally over came my fears an let my thoughts on a mic be ejected/
Told i could never write something an have people say its hot but they had my mind misdirected

it seemed hard to flow, because its so long, unless you quick at spitting

the chrous was aight

openin the note book to go to heavon...
jotten words down wit a lil dope venom...
Make you a lil wurry if you ever read em...
Wut i say on a mic is not pretending...

but i preferred the first 2 lines over the first by far...

second verse was probably better, best line was:

Call me a snake cuz my venom from the pen who given even the devil a scare/
Free shooten a mind bullet known as bomb war on this pad i declare/

i liked that, the lines were shorter, so i felt it flowed better,

OVERALL, i gotta say it was an aight drop, good attempt at a song, but maybe if you concised it to just one verse, and dropped some lines out like:

Think i was i bee, proveken me wud get u stung forced lyrics but still sound hot as they come/
so when you open your mouth an try an diss me think bout who rappen like a loaded gun/


it would be better overall, but nice drop, keep it up.

and yo peep my new one "let loose"

PEACE

i was feelin it, the vocab was good, but kinda descended towards the end, the wordplay was nice, and the concept was aight. overall it was pretty good, just keep postin dude.

uppen