OfF bAlANcE
 

i feel lost as if my mind wanders aimlessly
painlessly flamed disdain fame shamelessly
i sulk languidly in the sunken shore of despair
beware of my mind's trap;..theres no love there
lost with no care but to be fair i've smothered my fair share
emotions tenderly coasting on this ocean of spiritual comotion
a "disasterpiece" masterfully clashes abstractly wit catastrophe
wrought with thoughts of homicidal demonic feelings
i hang hangnooses from the ceiling willing to commit this killing

but it is what it is shit will never change
ganbangas bang hustlas still slang
the drug infliuence makes everything seem strange
played pain as love and still lost the fucking game

'say my name say my name' prophiit ain't shit to the game
slay lines wit strays and still overshadowed by ak's
my main focus is deranged plain and possibly insane
i sprain tongues wit the way these flows are arranged
spiritually ordained ordinarly precise each thought concise
bright lights mimic mentioned sentences to fright
tonight is your night. watch how wet these words get
expect death at best when served this sacred text
ceartinly not the type you'd like to try or test

but it is what it is shit will never change
ganbangas bang hustlas still slang
the drug infliuence makes everything seem strange
played pain as love and still lost the fucking game

i play second fiddle to the piper gimme papers and a lighter
and i riddle any little bitch who thinks that they're a fighter
fantastic futuristic fanfare freezing fully focused flight
bright nights blinded sight shudders and escapes sight
horrendous potion wit no anitdote leaves silly niggas comatose
doses of dope and coke pours from my nose like boogers blown
well known on the drug scene not a dealer but a user
weed and tonic mixer..constant amphetamine abuser
so listen to my rendition of elated sedititous nutrition
as we journey on the path of righteousness god's expedition

but it is what it is shit will never change
ganbangas bang hustlas still slang
the drug infliuence makes everything seem strange
played pain as love and still lost the fucking game

Damn!That was deep.Mad props imagry was there vocab was strong and tha structure was good.

Although it seemed like it could be a song!But oh well!Nice drop!

Hope to see more of ur pieces flowin wit emotion like this one!

keep uppin~1~

HA.............good catch i moved this from open mic it was getting slept on......at least here i get feedback..........

nice piece, I was feeling it... filled with emotions and definitely heartfelt. Keep dropping cuz this was an overall nice read. Just some deep shit...
keep speaking straight from the heart
I'm hoping on readin something new soon
peace

not a bad piece by any means lil eminem
lil raskassiono but nothing reworded just
good lyrics...ive been writing the same
type of thing but more personal...funny....
the hook was alright as well and for doing
an actual song the structure was good
for just text or audio so noone would
get the boredom tactics setting in

not bad at all by any means..way to represent

Okay, this was 'open mic' material. And when people move their open mic material to here it can clog up the forum. As it's the poetic scriptures. Though of course it's poetry. Still, we have these sections for a reason.

But the odd one here and there doesn't matter. Not to sound patronising, but don't make a habit of it please.

Onto the piece.

You came with a kind of 'street rawness'. Showing over-sight of the gritty type. But doing so in a way which had wise undertones.

Flow was on point, complementing the overall rhyme scene well.

It was a solid piece, which with the right delivery and what not, wouild sound good in audio.

Oh, but i did feel at times you over-elaborated. Over emphasising certain things with 'complexities'.

A nice enough read.

...resp....

it seems both a poem and an attempted topical...cuz of ya rhyme scheme(you had a few multi's) i liked the imagination you put in here...well thought indeed....but i questioned the use of somma ya vocab....you may have used some words incorrectly brah n made ya shit sound kinda funny....but all in all this was niceness


igido